Rhythm of Love
by AfewSentencesShortOfaParagraph
Summary: The Bhandari's are like an extension of Clare's family. However, Clare never imagined her feelings toward her best friend's brother to change from brotherly to romantic. Will her feelings tear Clare's world apart and turn it upside down?
1. Chapter 1

**If you are an old reader of mine, welcome back. This is going to be totally different than what you're used to from me. It's been weird for me to step out of Eli's head for a while, and into Clare's for a change, but at least give the story a try. You might end up hating it, but I'd be okay with that. **

**It's just that this idea just started bouncing around in my head, and I couldn't get past it. Seriously, I can't focus on my other stories because this one has lodged itself into my brain. So, I decided to give it a chance. I know it's cliché, but bare with me. **

**By the way, I don't own Degrassi. **

**So, in this story Eli hasn't happened. Neither has Holly J. I know, it's not a desirable start, but I can't get the need to tell this story out of my head. It's the beginning of Clare's sophomore year, and Sav is a senior. Sav has just won the presidential election. I think that's all the important specifications. Here goes: **

You know those movies that are based on the premise that you fall in love with the most unlikely people? The ones that write characters to believe that they weren't in love till the last moment; that the thing they were feeling was hatred, or, perhaps, friendship.

I hate those movies.

But, it turns out, I was living one.

I used to watch those hokey romantic comedies and think to myself, '_Please, like people don't notice when they fall in love. Could they have made this girl any denser?_'

If I had been paying attention to the actual movie, and not complaining about the lack of strong female characters in today's society, I would have noticed the signs, and probably wouldn't have been caught off guard, as I was, by my feelings.

Should have, could have, and would have- right?

XXX

"Hey, Clare," my best friend Alli raced up to my locker. The final bell had rung a few minutes ago, and the weekend was about to begin. I nodded at Alli, and focused back on the task of shoving all the books I would need to do my homework into my bag. It was only the first week of school, and I was already feeling painfully overworked. I loved school, but sometimes the homework seemed excessive. Did they not give us enough work to do in class?

"Earth to Clare," Alli's annoyed tone brought me back to the crowded hallway.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?" I asked, feeling horrible for missing it in the first place. I loved Alli to death, but sometimes she rambled, and I had a horrid habit of tuning her out.

Alli sighed, exasperated. "Yes, I asked you if you wanted to sleep over tonight. My parents already told me I could have you over."

"Yeah, of course I'd love to, but I have to check with my parents first."

Alli nodded, having already anticipated this response. "Sav's waiting in the car so we can stop by your house. You can ask, and then we can unwind from this ridiculous week back at school together. I have so much to talk to you about!"

"When don't you have a lot to talk about?" I asked her, a smile breaking across my face.

"You know me so well," Ali said, returning my smile. "Now, come on- I don't want to keep Sav waiting. He's doing me a favor."

"Of course," I said, hoisting my bag onto my shoulder. I loved the Bhandari family; they always treated each other with the utmost respect. I was happy to know that their family included me as well. Mrs. Bhandari was constantly reminding me that I was her third child.

Alli and I pushed out of the front doors, scanning for the car. I spotted Sav's mom's tiny Malibu, and headed toward it, pulling Alli along with me. The Bhandari's wouldn't let Sav get a car of his own, but he used Mrs. Bhandari's car more than she did.

"Hello, ladies," Sav greeted us as I slipped into the back set and Alli claimed shotgun. "How was your Friday?"

"Long," Alli sighed dramatically.

"Intriguing," I replied, overlapping Alli's response.

"Yeah, why's that?" Sav asked, ignoring Alli and glancing at me in the rearview mirror.

"All the teachers seem genuinely happy to be teaching their subject, the subject matter is new and exciting, and I have Dawes for English. I heard she's big on the creative writing aspect, and I can't wait to sink my teeth into new prompts and ideas."

Both Bhandaris turned to gape openly at me- Sav only for a moment since he was driving; Alli for much longer. I shifted uncomfortably under her scrutiny. Sav had asked me a question, and I had answered. Was that so weird?

"Are you sure you're only a sophomore in high school?" Sav asked; a hint of seriousness lurked behind his playful tone.

I blushed. "Unfortunately…yes."

"Aww, don't say that," Sav said, "High school can be some of the best years of your life."

"Yeah, because they have worked out so well for you so far," Alli joked, but through the rearview mirror I could see the genuine hurt flash across his face. Alli always meant well, but sometimes she forgot to think before she opened her mouth. If I had to guess, and I knew both Sav and Alli well enough for my guess to be credible, Sav was thinking about Anya.

Anya had been Sav's girlfriend for most of high school. He had really loved her, but because of his faith he was bound to an arranged marriage. Sav and Anya just couldn't seem to make their relationship work, and it seemed that Sav was still coming to terms with that.

"Well, I was just elected president, so hopefully things will go better for me this year." I admired his determination.

"Of course they will," I chirped from the backseat, hoping I had some way of making sure my words held true. If anyone deserved to catch a break it was Sav; he was such a sweetheart. Sav was the older brother I never had. He turned back to smile at me after pulling up alongside the curb. "I'll be right back," I assured them both before hopping out of the car.

Alli got out as I opened my front door. "I'm joining you. We can pack your stuff easier with four hands."

I laughed. "I can't argue with that logic." We both slipped into the house, and immediately headed for the kitchen. My mom usually had a snack waiting for me when I got home from school, so we assumed that we would find her in there. "Hey mom," I greeted her, "something smells delicious."

"I made you some cheese quesadillas," My mom came over to kiss me on the cheek. "Hello, Alli. How's your mom."

"She's great, thanks for asking," Alli replied. "Speaking of my mom, she said it would be okay for me to have a slumber party. Can I steal Clare for the night, please?"

My mom slid the quesadillas out of the oven, and smiled at Alli and me. "I don't see any problem with that. I'll just make these up to go, and you girls can go pack."

"Thanks, mom," Alli and I said in unison, and then erupted into giggles. Alli and I ran up the stairs, and I pulled out my overnight bag. I shoved some PJ's, clothes for the next morning, and my toothbrush into the bag, as well as some other essentials, and slung it over my shoulder.

"I think I have everything," I muttered, spinning in circles just to make sure. I always forgot something important when I spent the night at Alli's, and it drove me crazy.

"Of course you do," Alli assured me, practically shoving me out the door. "Our night is ticking away."

"Alli, we're hanging out at your house. I hardly think that's cause for a huge rush."

"Well," Alli began, a smile creeping across her face, "we could always go out and have a little fun, too."

"Yeah and where are your parents going to let us go?" I asked. Like I said, I loved the Bhandari's, but they were really, really strict. It had to do with their faith, but even I, who was a religious person, had to admit that there was a line you crossed eventually. They had basically planned out Alli and Sav's lives, and I always found it unfair.

"There are ways of working around them," Alli said, swatting away my concern with her hand. I rolled my eyes and started down the stairs. "Oh," Alli squeaked as we reached the bottom. "Do you mind if I change here?"

"Why would I mind?" I asked her, "You know where to find the bathroom."

Alli raced to the front door where she had dropped her bag before shooting into the bathroom. Because her parents were super conservative, Alli tried to keep her style of dress from their knowledge. Alli loved the super girly short skirts and lots of bright, bold colors. I, on the other hand, enjoyed a more refined style of dress.

A few minutes later Alli emerged from my bathroom in sweats. "Does that ever get tiring?" I asked her. It was something that Alli and I talked about often, but she was pretty stubborn about keeping up the 'double-life' pretense.

"Yeah, but it's totally worth it," Alli told me. I shook my head, but dropped the subject.

Alli went to the car to let Sav know I'd be out in a minute, and I went to the kitchen to say goodbye to my mom. "I love you. I'll see you tomorrow," I told her, as she placed the container of quesadillas in my hand. "Have a nice night with dad."

My mom's smile wavered for just a moment, but she quickly composed it once again. "I don't think your dad is coming home tonight. He's working." There was a slight edge in her tone that made me flinch.

"Oh, okay. Well, I'll, um, call to say goodnight," I told her, quickly giving her a kiss in the cheek before heading out to the car. "Weird," I muttered under my breath. My dad had been working with increased frequency for a few weeks now. For some reason it was making me uneasy. Or, more accurately, my mom's reaction to it was making me uneasy.

"Is everything okay, Clare?" Alli asked as I slipped back into the car. "You look like you just got punched in the gut."

"Thanks," I muttered sarcastically, still lost in thought.

"Alli," Sav scolded.

"What?" She asked earnestly, "I'm a concerned friend."

Sav rolled his eyes. "You never cease to amaze me."

"So, quesadillas anyone?" I asked them, offering the Tupperware container to Alli. I figured food would be the best way to get Sav off Alli's case, and Alli off of mine.

"Oh, don't mind if I do," Alli said, grabbing a slice and taking a big bite. "Your mom's cooking is the best."

"Thanks, Clare" Sav took the slice that I handed him so he wouldn't have to take his eyes off the road.

They ate, and all was quiet. I leaned back against the upholstery, satisfied, and closed my eyes. I tried not to think too hard about my mom and dad.

After a few comfortable moments we had reached the Bhandari house, and Sav carefully parked the car on the curb. I was the first to slip out, and walk into the house. It wasn't like I was a legitimate guest, so I didn't have to wait for anyone to invite me in. Alli was close on my heels, and after we greeted her mom, we ran up to Alli's room. I collapsed on her bed immediately.

"Rough week at school; or, perhaps, does it have something to do with the look on your face when we left your house?" Alli stood at the foot of her bed, arms crossed.

"I plead the 5th," I said evasively.

"Clare, we don't live in the States. You can't plead the 5th."

"Then let's move to the States so I can," I said stubbornly, refusing to talk. Alli stuck her tongue out at me, and I was quick to reciprocate.

With an annoyed sigh Alli collapsed on her bed next to me. "Why won't you tell me what happened?"

"Because I don't even know if anything did happen," I told her honestly.

After a moment of consideration Alli relented. "Fine, I'll let you off easy this time. But only because I think we should start planning our night," She sat up excitedly, a huge grin illuminating her features. I simply groaned. Even on my best days I had a hard time going along with Alli's elaborate plans. I was much more of a 'curl-up-with-a-good-book-and-stay-in-all-night' kind of girl while Alli liked to seek out trouble at any chance she got. "Come on, Clare," Alli urged. "I heard the football game is going to be a real nail-biter tonight."

"Alli, don't pretend for one second that you want to go to the football game because you want to watch the game. We both know you would be too busy watching a guy on the team. Who is it?"

"Am I that transparent?" Alli asked, shocked.

I raised my eyebrows at her. "Are you really asking that?"

"Fine," Alli started to gush, "The new quarterback, Drew Torres, is totally adorable. He's the perfect balance of beautiful and rugged, and…"

Alli continued, and I listened as best I could. I nodded, gasped, and 'ahh'ed at all the appropriate places. Alli seemed particularly star struck for this Drew character, so the least I could do for her was go to one measly social even. Unfortunately, I was never really comfortable at football games. They were too loud, for one. Not to mention all the kids there were obnoxious and futile. I just never fit in. Whenever I was dragged to one I would bring a book along. But Alli was worth it. Besides, I needed to scope out Drew. Last year I had a bad feeling about Jonny, Alli's old fling, and I hadn't really done anything to prevent Alli from making the mistakes she did. But I wasn't going to let that happen again.

"So," I said once Alli was done going on, "what time does the game start?"

"Really, Clare! You're the best," Alli threw her arms around me, and her raven hair created a dark curtain around me, blocking out the rest of the world. For a second, I missed my long hair, and its ability to shield me if I needed it to. But I didn't regret cutting it off; new year, new Clare was my mantra, and I was sticking by it.

"Sure," I smiled at her, pulling away. "How are we getting there?"

"I'll go ask Sav," Alli told me excitedly, "Mom will definitely be okay with it if we're going with him." Alli grabbed my hand and pulled me to Sav's bedroom door with her. I had only been in Sav's room once in all the times I had been over their house. It always seemed strange to me that Alli just waltzed in whenever she felt like- it was a breach of privacy. "Sav, open up," Alli called out, knocking on his door.

Sav's door swung open a moment later, and he narrowed his eyes at Alli. "What do you want?" he asked suspiciously.

"What makes you think I want something?" Alli feigned innocence.

"Because you and Clare are standing outside my bedroom door; it's Friday night, and Clare looks nervous."

I blushed lightly. I hadn't thought my face was such an open book, but then again Sav did know me better than most people.

"Fine, I want something," Alli admitted. "Are you going to the football game tonight?"

"I didn't plan on it. Why?"

"Because if you take us to the game…and stay with us, mom will let me go. Pretty please?" Alli batted her eyelashes at her brother.

It was clear that Sav really didn't want to say yes, but he was really too nice of a person to deny Alli unless he had a good excuse for it. He sighed, and I could practically see his resistance snap in half like an abused pencil. _Crack!_

"Fine, let's go clear it with mom."

"Thanks Sav! You are my favorite brother ever!"

"Alli, I'm your only brother," he rolled his eyes at her, but a smile bloomed over his features as Alli shrieked and ran to give him a hug.

I just stood off to the side, enjoying their sibling moment with a bittersweet hint of jealousy. The Bhandari's were like family, but they weren't my actual family. I missed Darcy. She was always writing me letters from Africa, but I missed her hugs. As different as we were she always stood up for me, and it was comforting to have her around for my first year of high school.

I waited in Alli's room as her and Sav went to ask their parents' permission to go out. I usually did wait off to the side when Alli asked her parents for anything because I always felt weird being in the middle when they said no. It just felt like I was invading some kind of parent-child code.

After a few minutes had passed Alli rushed back into the room, "They said we could go!" Alli started to shove an outfit in her purse so she could change out of the sweats once we got to the game.

"Alli, we're going to a football game, not a fashion show," I reminded her when I spotted the colorful skirt she had picked out.

"It's all the same to me," Alli winked at me. I looked down at what I was wearing- jeans and a solid blue shirt with a grey zip-up hoodie over top. I had thought we were staying in for the night, but the outfit was fine for a sporting event. The blue was even Degrassi's school color, so I was set.

I reached into my bag and pulled out the book I was currently reading- Jay Asher's 13 Reasons Why. "I'm ready to go," I announced proudly. Alli eyed the book with scorn. "I'm going with you, aren't I?" I reminded her.

She sighed. "Clare, you're never going to find someone with your nose constantly stuck in books."

"Alli," I said, matching her exasperated tone, "I found KC last year, remember? It didn't exactly work out well. I want to focus on myself this year- no boys for me."

Alli's jaw dropped open dramatically as if I had just told her I was planning on going for a year without eating. "Are you serious?"

"No, I really want to find another great catch like KC. Yes, I'm serious," I replied sarcastically.

"Fine, we'll talk about that later," Alli promised ominously before grabbing my arm and pulling me out into the hallway. Sav was sitting on the top step, already ready to go. He was scrolling through his iPod, mouthing the words to whatever song was playing. The sight made me chuckle.

Alli walked right up to him and pulled an ear bud out so she could talk to him with a chance that he might actually hear. "Are you ready to go?" She asked pointedly.

"Of course, right this way," Sav gestured down the stairs, "your limo awaits."

"You're such a goofball," I said, smiling at him as I passed.

"Is that a good thing?" he asked me, returning the smile.

"In Clare's book, probably," Alli answered for me, "but not in any other girl's."

"Remember Alli, Sav is doing us a favor," I chastised her.

"I knew there was a reason I liked Clare," Sav laughed, holding the front door open for Alli and me. I decided it would be best to leave that comment unanswered.

When we arrived at the game Alli immediately kicked Sav and me out of the car to stand guard as she changed. After several minutes, and some very painful sounding bumps, Alli knocked on the door, signaling us to move so she could get out. Sav and I stepped to the side and Alli slipped out of the car looking surprisingly put together considering the racket she had made while changing.

We paid, and slipped onto the stadium. Sav went off to find some of his own friends, and Alli and I made our way to the top of the bleachers that were set up. After one quarter had passed, Alli started complaining about how she couldn't see well.

"Then go get closer," I told her. It seemed like a simple enough solution to me.

"And leave you here alone?" Alli seemed upset by the idea, and I was touched that she hadn't moved because she thought it would hurt my feelings, or something.

However, I held up my book. "I think I can manage. I'll be here, in this exact spot, at the end of the game. Go, watch, enjoy," I commanded, and Alli happily obeyed.

In the last quarter I felt someone sit down beside me. I couldn't take my eyes off the book, though. The plot was so original and fast-paced that it seemed like a crime to stop even for a second.

"How do you read with all this noise and chaos around you?" Sav asked, yelling into my ear.

Reluctantly, I tore my eyes away from the page. "If the plot is interesting enough I can become oblivious in any situation. It's a real talent," I joked.

Sav laughed. "It's pretty fascinating to watch, actually. That guy over there," Sav pointed to a man a few seats, "almost spilled his drink all over you, and you didn't even bat an eye."

I blinked. How long had Sav been watching me? I suddenly felt very self-conscious. "Well," I guess I'm lucky that he didn't."

Sav nodded in agreement. After he didn't say anything else for a few minutes I turned my attention back to my book. As soon as I had plunged back in, though, Sav spoke up again. "Where is Alli?"

I looked down toward the field, noticing Alli on the sidelines right away. She was the only person wearing high heels and a skirt. "Right there," I pointed, allowing him to follow my gaze.

"She left you up here alone?"

"I encouraged it, actually. I'm not very good at being social."

Sav laughed. "We wouldn't have you any other way."

"Thanks," I smiled at him, and then returned to my book.

After the game ended Sav and I hung out on the bleachers, watching Alli talk to Drew from afar. I had to admit, he was a good looking kid, but I would have to meet him in person soon. I didn't really feel like it at the moment, though. Not to mention, I didn't want Alli's socially awkward friend ruining her chances with this guy. She seemed to really like him.

"How long do you think she's going to take?" Sav asked, breaking my inner monologue.

"If she's not done in the next five minutes I think we should drag her out of here kicking and screaming," I decided.

"Good plan," Sav smiled, and we shook on it. Alli always dragged the two of us on outings that ended with us hanging off to the side, waiting to go home, while she was a social butterfly. Sav and I had started to make bets on how long it would take her to finish up, and it kind of stuck.

With thirty seconds to spare Alli climbed the bleachers toward us. "Thanks for waiting guys. I owe you one." That was Alli's standard speech. Sav and I could repeat it word for word if we so desired. Not that it was hard to remember, but we had certainly heard it more than enough times.

"No problem," Sav yawned, "Let's get home before Mom and Dad freak."

As Alli changed back into her sweats, I called my mom to say goodnight. She didn't answer the phone, so I assumed she was asleep. I left her a message, hoping it would greet her in the morning.

Alli actually fell asleep on the short ride back to her house. The funny thing with Alli was that she was always so energetic and ready to socialize, but once 10:30 came around she was out like a light.

Sav gently shook her awake when we got home, and I aided her up the stairs and into her room. I changed into my striped pajama bottoms and tank top as Alli simply curled up in bed. "Thank you Clare. You're going to have to meet Drew soon. He's amazing," she grumbled sleepily.

"As soon as possible," I agreed, crawling into bed beside her. "Now go to bed. You're exhausted." Alli 'mhmm'ed in response before her breathing became deep and even.

I stared at Alli's ceiling for a few hours, begging sleep to come, but it didn't. Unfortunately I had developed this nasty habit of not sleeping a few months ago; I just couldn't get my brain to shut up.

I rolled onto my side so I could check the clock: two in the morning. I sighed, knowing I wasn't going to be getting much sleep tonight. As silently as possible I slipped out of Alli's bed trying not to jostle her. From my bag I grabbed my journal, something I brought with me nearly everywhere, and made sure my pen was tucked inside it.

I decided I would work downstairs because I could turn on a light without disturbing anyone. I slowly descended the stairs- avoiding all the creaky spots. Even though it wasn't my house I knew them all perfectly, so my trip down the stairs was silent.

I tiptoed my way into the living room only to find Sav there watching TV nonchalantly. If I didn't know any better walking into this scene I would have sworn it was midday. Something told me this wasn't a new thing for Sav either.

"Clare, is that you?" Sav asked, squinting through the darkness. The colors from the television were playing off his tan skin, but I was hidden in shadow.

"How did you know it was me?" I asked, walking forward to join him on the couch.

"Because my family loves sleep, and they never miss it. That only leaves you."

I nodded, knowing that Alli could be very grouchy if she did not get a full night's sleep. I hugged my journal to my chest, undecided as to whether I was happy to have company, or sad to not have the freedom to write. "What's keeping you up?" I whispered, wondering if that was too personal of me to ask. While Sav and I were comfortable around each other, and he was like my big brother, we avoided any meaningful conversation. Our only link, really, was Alli.

"Anya," Sav answered simply. I guess my question hadn't bothered him- good.

"I'm sorry," I said, meaning it. Sav's relationship with Anya had been so up and down that, had I been a part of such an emotional rollercoaster, I wouldn't have been able to sleep either.

"Can I take a stab at why you're up?" Sav asked for permission, turning to look me in the eye.

I met his gaze unwaveringly. "Stab away," I allowed.

"Does it have anything to do with KC?" Sav asked, a knowing smile crossing his face.

I knew Alli and Sav were close, but had she really told him about that? Not that it really mattered. Degrassi wasn't a small school, but it wasn't big either; gossip tended to spread. "Yes and no," I answered him, trying to be truthful.

Sav's featured clouded over with confusion. "Care to elaborate?" He requested.

"It's more of a habit these days," I started to explain. "My body is simply used to the lack of sleep; of staying up into the wee hours of the night. However, if I'm being honest with myself, it started because of KC. So, I stand by my answer- yes and no."

Sav frowned. "I wish I could say the same. Unfortunately, I'm wallowing in self-pity. You seemed to have moved on nicely."

"I'm better off without him," I shrugged. I had come to terms with that at the beginning of summer. "You, on the other hand, have a right to be upset. Don't get me wrong, there will come a time when you should move on, but for now it's understandable that you're not over Anya yet. I mean, you loved her. And it's not like you didn't work for a long time to try to save your relationship. I know it sounds cheesy, but you guys just weren't meant to be. Hopefully someday soon you'll be able to see that."

My motivational speech was greeted by a gaze of amazement. "Sometimes…it's really hard to believe you're fifteen- especially when you offer insight like that."

"Sometimes, I don't feel fifteen," I admitted. Sitting here in the dark with Sav somehow made it easier to talk freely with him. Darkness allowed people to shed their false appearances and become a faceless voice; being in the dark obviously made me fearless because, had it been light, I would have never said what I said next out loud. "You're the sweetest guy I know, Sav. And I'm not just saying that. Like how you took Alli and me to the game earlier even though you didn't plan on going anywhere…you really didn't have to, but you did it anyway. I don't know anyone who can match you in compassion. I'm happy to have you in my life. And I hope, someday, you can find a girl who feels the same way."

After a few minutes of silence I shifted uncomfortably. Had I said too much; made him uncomfortable?

Finally, Sav spoke. "Wow, Clare. Thank you. That was…really sweet of you to say. And, strangely, it was exactly what I needed to hear. I'll have to thank Alli for picking you as a best friend." The mood shifted from intense to light hearted with Sav's comment. He got up and stretched. "I think I should at least try to get some rest. I'll see you in the morning." Before Sav left the room, he ruffled my hair. A strange jolt zapped through my body. "By the way, I like your hair better this way. Goodnight."

And, with that, Sav left me alone in the dark. A blush rushed to my cheeks, leaving my entire body warm, but cold at the same time. I had no idea why his touch had merited such a strange reaction out of me, but one thing was for sure: I didn't have a prayer of sleeping a wink tonight.

**It's different, I know. You might totally hate it, and that's fine. But let me know if it seems like utter crap to you. I will value your opinion no matter what. **

**Also, I'd like to disclaim that I am 100% an EClare fan. Really, I am. Like I said, this idea just wedged itself into my thoughts, so I had to give it the proper light. **

**Thanks for reading, guys. =)**


	2. Pancake Queen

**So, I don't even know if anyone has read this, but that's quite alright. I will continue to write the story because I like the way the first chapter turned out, and how the story has taken shape inside my head. **

**If you are reading…enjoy! =)**

**Here's the second chapter: **

After Sav left me alone with my thoughts, I sat staring at my journal for quite some time. I was almost, for the very first time, afraid to express my thoughts in anything that could be considered permanent. Ink was just too concrete, and frankly I couldn't decipher the thoughts rushing through my mind anyway.

Thought was actually not the right word- emotions offered a better description. There was nothing substantial rushing through my mind, just pieces of undecipherable human emotion.

My heart was racing; the pounding in my ear drowning out all other sounds. I could feel my blush warm my body all the way down to my toes, and yet I was shivering. I could still feel Sav's gentle touch on my scalp, but I still couldn't even begin to explain what any of it meant.

Instead of trying to decipher the mess inside my head I tried to focus on the television. Sav had left it on, but he muted it when I walked in the room. I didn't take mute off, but instead started to watch the people's faces cross over the screen silently. Whenever I saw a new emotion depicted in their faces I wrote it down in my journal, giving each word a different font. Once I had filled an entire page with the on-screen emotions, my own emotions felt much more in check. It was a weird kind of therapy, but when I couldn't, or didn't want to, identify my own emotions I focused on naming other people's. 

Around five thirty in the morning I drifted off into a dreamless half-sleep on the couch, my journal clutched tightly in my hands. I had long since turned off the TV, and had, in great detail, described every part of my first week of school up until the late-night encounter with Sav. It was enough to keep my mind focused and occupied for a long period of time.

At 9:30 a large, warm hand started to pat my arm gently, trying to rouse me into full consciousness. "Clare," I heard a male voice whisper, "get up. Let's go to Alli's room. You can sleep more there."

"Five more minutes," I grumbled, swatting the hand away. As I did, I let my journal slip out of my hands, but I didn't completely notice. The couch was surprisingly comfortable, and I was annoyed by the person trying to make me get off it.

"You leave me no choice," the voice threatened. I simply rolled over to face the back of the couch by way of a response. "Seriously Clare, if my parents come down here and see you asleep they'll start to ask questions. They aren't exactly aware of my nocturnal habits, and I'd like to keep it that way." I finally realized the voice was Sav, but it didn't really register what the words he was saying meant.

"Then don't tell them," I mumbled hoping this would get him to leave me alone.

I heard an exasperated sigh leave Sav's lips, and the next thing I knew his arms had swooped beneath me, and I was floating in air. No, not floating- Sav had me cradled in his arms against his chest. My eyes flew open immediately, and a small squeak left my lips. After the second it took for my eyes to adjust I was face to face with Sav, his deep brown eyes full of questioning concern. He was so close that I could feel his breath fan over my face.

"What the hell?" I yelled a little louder than necessary, wiggling until Sav released me. I blushed intensely, feeling it cover my neck, all the way up to my forehead. An air of awkwardness settled over us.

"Clare, please keep it down," he whispered, panicked.

I closed my eyes and counted to three, allowing myself to recompose myself. "Sorry."

"Me too," Save said, ashamed. "I was just trying to get you to Alli's room. I didn't mean to…freak you out like that."

"Let's just, um, forget about it," I requested, straightening my tank top which had ridden up, exposing a thin strip of my stomach and back. As I readjusted it, though, Sav's eyes dropped down to the bare skin. He flushed; my hands had obviously drawn his attention, but he hadn't meant to stare. I had never seen Sav blush before.

"If you say so," Sav said, averting his eyes from me.

"What are you doing up?"

"I actually never went to sleep. I mean, I tried, but it never came. I got really hungry, though, so I came down here to make some breakfast as soon as it was an acceptable time for me to be up on a Saturday morning."

"Want some help with that breakfast?" I asked, my own stomach grumbling.

"I'd love some," Sav smiled at me, the last traces of awkwardness retreating, returning Sav and me to our comfortable brother and sister- like banter. "Any requests?" he asked over his shoulder as we walked into the kitchen.

I thought about it for a moment, patting my stomach. "Pancakes?" I asked, unsure if they even had any.

"It's my lucky day," Sav laughed. "I was hoping you would say that. I've been craving them, but I kind of suck at making them. Do you mind taking the reins on this one?"

"It _is_ your lucky day. I happen to be the pancake queen." Every now and then my mom and dad would beg me to make a batch after church on Sundays. We would all gather in the kitchen, turn on the radio, and sing along together. I loved those breakfasts. Come to think of it, we hadn't had one in almost a month. That was unusual; why hadn't I noticed sooner?

"Do you have a crown?" Sav asked, pulling me out of my reverie.

I did my best to chuckle at his joke so nothing would seem amiss to him, but I was still worriedly wondering about my parents' strange behavior. "Actually, I do not."

"Well, that just won't do!" Sav feigned disbelief. "I'll have to make you one."

Sav ran up the stairs, and, in record time, was back in the kitchen with construction paper, a sharpie, and a pair of scissors. This was going to be interesting…I sat down opposite Sav at the table, watching as he folded the paper this way and that. His large hands worked with surprising grace as he made a shape that resembled a hat. He then proceeded to cut the top off in a jagged fashion. To finish, Sav uncapped the sharpie and wrote _Pancake Queen_ across the front. Sav's handwriting managed to be sharp and angular, yet loopy and fluid at the same time. I found myself enthralled by the motion of his hand as he was writing.

"Tada," Sav smiled at me, walking around the table to place it on my head. "Now that the queen is in proper attire we are ready to begin making pancakes."

"Just get me the mix, and I'll work my magic."

"Yes, your majesty."

After a few bows Sav went to the cupboard, pulled out the mix, and then grabbed me a griddle. He set both items on the counter, and then gestured to it, moving out of my way with a flourish.

"You're so ridiculous," I laughed, forgetting about my parents momentarily. "I bet you have never been serious a day in your life."

"Not true," Sav defended himself. I raised my eyebrows at him. "Oh, you mean, for an entire day…yeah, never."

"How do you pull it off? I could never keep that up."

"It's an art form, that's for sure. Basically, it comes down to the fact that I need to be goofy in order to survive the life that's been laid out for me. If I can't laugh at the little things I'll never be able to stomach the big things."

I stopped scooping the mix during Sav's speech, and turned to gape at him in amazement. I knew Sav wasn't happy with the life his parents wanted him to live, but the existence he had just described was heartbreaking. I guess I had never really stopped to think about how much Sav was going to have to give up just to please his parents.

"That's not really fair…," I whispered.

"Oh, haven't you heard? Life isn't fair, Clare-bear."

The sarcasm was hard, and it seemed out of place in the cadences of Sav's voice. Still, even though his voice held a cynical tone, when he said my nickname his voice grew soft, tender. It made me blush, so I turned back to the pancakes, refocusing on the simple task. "I may have heard that once or twice."

"So," Sav perked up his voice, trying to lighten the mood again, "since I'm so goofy, do I get to be your court jester, Miss Pancake Queen?"

"I wouldn't trust anyone else with such an important job," I shot back, trying to match his suddenly buoyant mood. It was strange how far Sav had let me into his mind over the last few hours. It was like something in the universe had shifted, and he was no longer the two-dimensional big brother figure, but more of a friend. It was different, but I had to admit it was the good kind of different. Unlike most high school students Sav had depth; more than I had ever imagined, and I felt honored that he was letting me sample his innermost thoughts.

Just as I was flipping the first of the pancakes Alli trudged into the kitchen. "There you are, Clare! I got worried when you weren't in bed, and then I smelled food so I came down here to investigate…and eat."

"Are mom and dad up?" Sav asked her before I could comment on any part of Alli's greeting.

"I don't think so." Alli turned to me, "Are you making pancakes? I love your pancakes. Wait, what the heck is on your head?"

"Good morning, Alli. It's nice to see you, too."

"Good morning, Clare. What the heck is on your head?"

"Sav made me a crown. Because, erm, I'm the pancake queen…"

Alli looked back and forth between Sav and me, her brow furrowed and slight confusion washed over her features. "Should I even ask for a further explanation?"

"Probably not," I giggled, smiling at Sav. His lips turned up in a returning smile.

"Did I miss something?" Alli asked, obviously taking notice of our exchange.

"No," Sav and I said in unison.

Alli's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "That wasn't very convincing."

"Alli, seriously, what would you have missed?" I asked in all honesty.

"When you two became friends, I guess."

"We've always been friends," Sav defended, looking slightly hurt that Alli had suggested otherwise.

Alli raised her eyebrows at him, but dropped the subject. The three of us were immersed in a comfortable silence, and I settled into the familiar task of making the pancakes. It was strangely relaxing, and I forgot, if only for a few minutes, all the strangeness that had been going on in the world around me.

When I was all done Sav and Alli set the table for the three of us. Sav had gone upstairs to check if their parents were awake, but they weren't, so we all decided to let them sleep. As we ate Alli filled in the silences with conversation. Even though Sav and I had both been there, Alli described every part of the football game in great detail, focusing on Drew. When she was finally finished, and we had eaten as much food as our stomachs could hold, Sav pointed to my crown.

"You really are the pancake queen. Those were beyond delicious."

"Thanks," I smiled at him, and his eyes were drawn to my lips. I blushed fiercely as he stared, wiping my mouth with my napkin if only to break his focus. The weirdest thing was- his scrutiny had made me uncomfortable in Alli's presence, but that was the only reason for my discomfort.

Alli and Sav cleaned up the dishes as I sat and watched. I tried my best to help out, but they refused to let me, telling me that the cook should never have to clean, too.

When they were all done, Alli and I raced up to her room. "What happened to you last night?" she asked me. "I woke up around 3, and you weren't in the bed."

"I wasn't really tired, so I went downstairs to write. Sorry for worrying you."

"You weren't tired? That's crazy. I don't know what I would do with myself if I couldn't fall asleep."

"Well, then thank God you don't have any problems doing that," I laughed, winking at her.

"Amen, sistah! What time do you have to be home?"

I hit my forehead with my palm; I had forgotten to ask my mom when she wanted me back today. "I don't know; I'm going to go call her."

I walked out of Alli's room, and into her bathroom so I could brush my teeth as the phone rang. No one picked up…again. It was less unnerving last night, but my mom was always up at 10:30. And it was past 11 now.

I rinsed out my mouth and walked back into Alli's room where she was on the phone herself. I shot her a questioning look, and she pointed to the receiver and mouthed 'Drew' excitedly. I gave her the thumbs up, slipping into the hall way to give her some privacy. I knew Alli would be disappointed, but I was officially worried about my mom, and I wanted to get home ASAP. So, instead of waiting for Alli to get off the phone, which could take hours, I unwillingly crept up to Sav's bedroom door. I bashfully knocked, not really wanting to ask him for another favor, but I desperately needed to get home.

The door opened almost instantly, and I flushed immediately upon seeing Sav shirtless in the door. "What do you want Alli," Sav said as he was wrenched the door open, but then he saw me. "Oh, um, hi Clare. What's up?"

I tried really hard not to stare, but my eyes kept slipping back down to his defined chest. It wasn't disgustingly overdone, but the muscle was definitely there. He was kind of…beautiful. My blush intensified at the thought, and I hoped my face wasn't giving anything away about what I was thinking. "I was, um, w-wondering if you could, um, give me a ride home?" I trained my eyes on his face, refusing to let them move from his eyes. Sav was trying really hard not to laugh; I could tell by the gleam in his eye, and the set of his lips. "My mom's not answering the phone, and I'm getting kind of worried." I held up my cell phone, offering it as proof.

"Of course I can give you a ride. Let me just…put a shirt on."

"Okay," I agreed, retreating to Alli's room so I could grab my bag. I waved my arms to get Alli's attention, but she was so immersed in Drew that she didn't even notice.

One of the best things about Alli's room was the giant dry-erase board that she had hung on her wall. I took advantage of it, writing down a goodbye and a promise to call her later to hear about Drew. Then, after looking around her room to make sure I had repacked everything, I walked into the hall again where Sav was patiently waiting for me.

"Is Alli coming?" Sav asked, confused.

"No, she's on the phone with Drew. It's just you and me."

Sav seemed pleased by this, and we walked down the stairs side by side. His hand bumped into mine a few times, but I was sure it was unintentional.

Mr. and Mrs. Bhandari had finally gotten up, and were fully dressed drinking coffee in the kitchen.

"Clare needs to get home, so I'm going to drive her over real quick. That's okay, right?" Sav asked them.

"Sure, sure," Mrs. Bhandari answered. "I'm sorry you have to go so soon, Clare."

"Me too," I told her honestly. "Thanks for having me over! I'm sure I'll be back soon."

"We hope so," Mr. Bhandari smiled at me. "Have a wonderful weekend."

"You as well," I said as Sav and I slipped out the front door.

"They love that, you know," Sav told me as we settled into the front seats of the car.

"Love what?" I asked him, confused.

"How polite you are. They think you are the best thing that's happened to Alli in the last few years."

I felt my eyebrows come together. It was great that the Bhandari's liked me; it meant I could keep coming back, but that wasn't really fair to Alli. I know her parents didn't like how 'unfocused' she seemed, but the truth was Alli was one of the hardest workers at Degrassi. I was really proud of how Alli had managed to balance her parents' expectations with her own personality without having to compromise either of them. I did not envy her, though. Nor did I envy Sav. All he wanted to do was play music, and his parents wanted him to be an engineer. They both deserved so much more freedom.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

I looked up at Sav. I had forgotten he was even in the car with me; I had been so lost in thought.

"I think my thoughts are worth much more than a penny," I joked to avoid telling him what I was thinking.

"That's true. They're definitely worth more than I can afford."

I laughed. "Well, I wouldn't go that far. My mind's not that interesting."

Sav pulled up to the curb in front of my house and parked the car. He turned to look at me, his face growing completely serious. "I think it is. You're a fascinating person, Clare."

"I know a lot of people that would disagree with you."

"Only because they don't take the time to know you; you're an amazing person and I, for one, am beyond grateful to have you in my life."

I held Sav's gaze, not answering. I didn't need to; the moment was complete without a response. Sav leaned forward a bit and, as if we were connected by some imaginary force, I mirrored the motion. The intensity between us started to build as Sav leaned in even further, but just then my mind caught up with what was happening, and I turned my head away, placing my hand on the door handle. "I…I had better go. Thanks for the ride."

Before Sav could answer I pushed my way out of the car and ran into my house. '_What the hell just happened_?' I asked myself, not sure I really wanted the answer. All I knew was that I couldn't hear anything but the sound of my heart- which was pounding faster than ever before.

I held my breath, listening. Come to think of it, there were no other sounds to hear; where were my parents?

I slowly made my way up the stairs, stopping in my room to dump my bag onto my bed, and then quietly walked over to my parents' room. "Mom…Dad, are you in there?" I whispered into the doorway.

When I didn't get a reply, I pushed on the door and it opened slowly. My mom was lying on her bed, and my dad was nowhere in sight. On my mom's bedside table was a bottle of wine- nearly empty. I walked right up to the side of the bed and started to shake her.

Finally, her eyes slowly opened, her glassy eyes staring up at me. "Oh, Clare, you're home. Did you have a nice night?"

"Mom, have you been drinking?"

"Not so loud, Clare-bear," my mom begged, holding her head in one hand.

"I'll take that as a yes," my disappointment and worry colored my tone. "Where is dad?"

"He left early to go to work."

"But it's Saturday," I said mostly to myself.

My mom rolled over, and promptly fell asleep. I backed away, shutting her door; I would let her sleep off her hangover. The weird thing was my mom never drank unless something was horribly wrong, but dad just had a lot going on at work. It wasn't anything serious.

I really wanted to believe myself, but I sounded insincere even in my own head.

I trudged back down the stairs to fill a glass of water. I took it up to my mom's room, placing it on her bedside table, and then decided to get all my homework done.

The hours passed slowly as I sat alone in my room working diligently. My dad didn't come home until 5:30 in the evening, and even then he holed himself up in his study. My mom spent most of the day in bed, getting up only to make dinner as soon as Dad got home.

As we sat around eating the spaghetti my mom had prepared nobody spoke. It was completely, awkwardly silent, but that silence was defining. I couldn't think over the lack of sound. I could tell my mom and dad were both uncomfortable; it was like they were trying to fulfill their job as actors, playing the part of parents if only for me. Neither of them really wanted to be sitting at the table.

After dinner I excused myself, telling them I was going to go for a bike ride. The truth was I really couldn't sit in the house any longer; the atmosphere was stifling.

As I rode my bike along the sidewalks I tried to focus solely on the wind in my hair; how it tickled my face, the pull of muscle as I peddled, and the whoosh of images rushing past me as I rode faster and faster. I didn't let my mind dwell on my parents, or even Sav for that matter. I did, however, remember that I had promised Alli that I would call her.

I stopped almost immediately after remembering, and leaned my bike up against a bench, sitting on it. I dialed Alli's number from memory, took a deep breath, and held the phone to my ear.

"Oh, my God," Alli answered before the second ring, "Clare, you'll never guess what happened!"

"So why don't you just tell me?"

"Good idea! Drew asked me out! Isn't that amazing?" Alli screeched in my ear so loud that I actually had to hold the phone away from my ear until she finished.

"That's great, Alli. I'm so happy for you," I told her honestly.

"We're going out Wednesday, and I'm going to need you to cover for me."

"Of course," I assured her without hesitation.

"Well, I really do have to get some homework done. I've been procrastinating all day. I was just so excited this morning, and I didn't want to ruin it with work. Anyway, let's chat later. You are okay, right? You do sound a little anxious."

Alli's train of thought truly left me dizzy sometimes. "Yeah, great," I lied.

"Okay. We'll talk later. Love ya, girly!" And with that Alli was gone. I sighed; Alli was so sweet- I hoped things worked out with Drew.

I sat on the bench for another few minutes just watching cars pass by, but soon the sun started to go down, so I hopped on my bike and headed for home.

It was still eerily silent in the house. Had I not known any better I would think the place was empty, but there was a slight air of tension. It would have been undetectable to anyone not familiar with my house, but it was definitely there. I found myself wondering what had happened in my absence, but then I decided I didn't want to know.

For lack of anything better to do I took a shower, hoping it would calm my nerves and allow me to sleep peacefully. Thankfully, it worked, and after I was showered I collapsed in bed and fell asleep almost instantly, exhausted.

The next morning was no better, though. The tension in the air only seemed to grow thicker; like a fog clinging to every item in the house. I tried my best to ignore it and enjoy church, but even that could not relax me.

The rest of my Sunday was uneventful and uncomfortable. My parents barely talked, and I sat in front of the TV all day, not answering the phone when Alli called. I just wanted to be alone for the time being.

When Sunday finally came to a close I set my alarm and crawled into bed, staring at my ceiling. It had been odd that I had slept so long and well on Saturday night that I wasn't sure why I had hoped for the same thing two nights in a row. However, instead of giving into my minds stubbornness, I stared at the ceiling until my eyes were too tired to stay open any longer, and I drifted into a state of unconscious.

XXX

I was at my locker the next morning when Alli raced up to me.

"What happened to you yesterday?" She sounded worried, and I felt a pang of guilt for ignoring her.

"I just had a lot of work to do," I lied to her.

Faithful Alli swallowed the lie right up. "Oh, okay. Ready for week two of our sophomore year at Degrassi?"

"I believe so; and yourself?"

"Dreading it, but yes," Alli sighed dramatically. I rolled my eyes at her. I knew Alli really enjoyed school; she had told me on several occasions. Alli just had a taste for the overdramatic.

"I'm sure you'll live," I told her sarcastically.

The day rushed by in a blur, leaving me with lots of homework, but not a whole lot of new knowledge. I really disliked the second week of school because the majority of it was dedicated to reviews. I wanted to learn new things, not have to mindlessly repeat everything I had learned last year.

By the end of the day I was a little cranky, and a lot tired. I need either sleep or some caffeine. It really didn't matter which one I got just as long as I got one of them soon.

So, when someone rushed up behind me and covered my eyes with their hands, let's just say I was not in the mood to play along.

"What?" I snapped, grabbing their hands and removing them from my face. I turned around only to come face to face with Sav.

"Rough day?" Sav asked, unfazed by my rudeness.

"More like a rough weekend," I muttered under my breath.

"I heard that. Do you want to talk about it?"

I sighed. "No, I really don't."

"Okay," Sav shrugged. His calm, come-what-may attitude was setting me on edge. I just could be around someone this stable when I felt like I was about to explode. "But you may want this in case you want to write about it." Sav reached into his backpack and pulled out my journal.

I blinked, confused. I hadn't even realized it was missing over the weekend, and it was usually an extension of my person. What was wrong with me?

I realized that it must have slipped out of my hands on Saturday morning, and I had forgotten to retrieve it from under the couch. I snatched it from Sav's hands, cradling it against my chest.

"I can't believe I didn't notice it was gone."

"Me too," Sav said, seeming genuinely shocked. "It seems like you write your entire life in that thing."

Anger flooded into my body. "You read it?" I accused.

"Not exactly," Sav held up his hands in defense, sensing my sudden mood swing. "It was open when I found it, and I may have read the entry it was open to. It was no big deal; I just read about your first week at school….," I narrowed my eyes at him, mentally shooting daggers. That was such an invasion of privacy! And Sav thought it was no big deal!

"And that makes it okay!" I practically screeched.

"Well, no. I'm sorry. You're right; I shouldn't have done that. If it makes you feel any better I think you're really talented…you have a great eye for detail, and your word choice is colorful and fun. I wanted to read more, but I didn't."

"No, that doesn't make me feel better," I snapped. "And if I find out you did read more, you're a dead man. I'm surprised at you, Sav."

With that I slammed my locker shut, and started to walk away.

"Clare, I'm really sorry," I heard Sav call after me again, but I ignored him. Once I was outside I sat down at a picnic table to wait for my mom to pick me up, and I opened my journal. I checked every page, an overwhelming feeling that something was missing.

When I got to the end my suspicion was deemed true…the page where I had written all the emotions was gone.

I was unbelievably upset by this, but, despite myself, I was kind of flattered that Sav had liked it enough to keep it.

Damn it; what the hell was wrong with me?

**This is so much fun to write. I didn't think I would love these two as much as I do, but they are definitely growing on me. **

**Anyway, if you're reading this, I have a recommendation. Have any of you read DreamernWriter123's awesome stories? If not, you had best be getting on that! She is 100 times more talented that I, and she is just beyond gifted. All her characters are loveable and realistic, and if you don't like them I will eat my words. Go, read, enjoy! I'm serious. **

**Also, thanks for reading this story. ;)**


	3. Shel Silverstien

**Hello, fabulous readers. I love you all! Thank you for your interest in this story, as well as dealing with the unusual paring. I'm glad some of you like it. =)**

**So, without further ado, here is chapter three:**

As soon as mom's car pulled up I snapped my journal closed and shoved it into my bag. I would have time later to think about my strange reaction to Sav's alleged confiscation of my journal entry. For now I had to deal with my mom; we had some major talking to do.

I slipped into the car, and my mom turned to smile at me. My heart broke upon seeing her face; she was just trying so hard to pretend like things were normal, and I wasn't sure if she was doing it for her sake, or for mine, anymore. "How was your day at school, sweetie."

"Fine," I rolled my eyes and the careful half-lie. It was true enough for what she was asking- class had been great. "How…are you holding up?"

"What do you mean?"

I raised my eyebrows at her. Was she in denial, or did she honestly think I would swallow the weak façade that nothing was going on? "I mean things were pretty awkward with you and dad all weekend. Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

"Nothing's going on, Clare-bear."

I stared at her; it was like she actually believed that nothing was amiss. Her behavior was too weird, and I didn't know how I was supposed to handle this. I was only fifteen for crying out loud. So, instead of trying to reason with my mom I dropped the subject, turning to stare out the window.

There were so many people out there living; so many lives you crossed paths with everyday. Every single one of them had their own problems and things to deal with, but to an outsider their actions were interpreted as the normal carrying on of any human. I had to wonder what people would think of my mom and me if they glanced into the car at any moment during our drive home. They wouldn't notice anything out of the ordinary; just a mother and her daughter enjoying a quiet ride together.

As we passed more people walking down the sidewalks I started to guess at their problems: going through a breakup, a cutter, OCD, death in the family…divorce.

I stopped my little 'game' when my mind stopped on that frightening word. It just sounded ominous.

Focusing on other people's problems stopped being therapeutic when you could empathize with said problems.

When we finally arrived home after a silent, awkward drive I hopped out of the car and raced up to my room.

"Clare, do you want anything to eat?" My mom called up to me.

"I'm not hungry!"

I flopped down on my bed, closing my eyes. I took a few deep breaths, and then reached into my bag to pull out my journal. I flipped to the page that had been torn out, leaving small pieces of the page behind. I let my fingers slither across the jagged edges, wondering what had been going through Sav's mind when he decided to keep it. Had he carefully weighed the pros and cons of snatching a piece of my thoughts, or had it been a spur of the moment action?

More importantly, why did I care so much? I should be pissed.

I mean, I had been pissed upon first finding out that Sav had invaded my privacy, but it wasn't like he read any of the serious stuff. Not that it made his actions right, but I was still kind of amazed that he wanted to know what was going through my mind so much that he'd stoop to reading my diary. It was incredibly cliché, rude, and not at all something the Sav I knew would do.

So why did it please me in a completely twisted way?

I knew that if I wanted to, I could confront myself with the answer, but I decided it would be safer to let the questions build up inside me, unanswered. This was unstable territory, and acknowledging it, or even pondering its existence, was dangerous to the relationships I held near and dear to my heart. So I decided to do what any responsible teenage girl would do in my situation:

I ignored my feelings.

I felt much better after putting the blinders up, and I was able to concentrate on my homework. After two dedicated hours of spending much more time than necessary to perfect my homework, my mom called me down for dinner.

"Where's dad?" I asked, taking note that there were only two place settings at the table.

"He's at work," my mom said as nonchalantly as she could muster.

"He's spending a lot of time there lately."

"Yes he is."

"Well, don't you think it's weird?"

"Clare, he is making the money that allows you to live the comfortable lifestyle that you do. I think it's unfair of you to complain."

"And I think it's unfair of you to keep pretending like nothing's wrong!" I snapped, fully aware of the hypocrisy loaded in my statement. The good thing was that my mom had no idea.

"Clare Diana Edwards, go to your room. This discussion is over."

However, instead of me getting up to go to my room, my mom stormed out. I dropped my head into my hands. That could not have gone any worse. Maybe I should stay out of it; pretend right alongside both my parents that nothing had changed. It wasn't like it was my job to singlehandedly deal with, or fix, their relationship problems.

I pushed away from the table, and started to clean everything up. I know it's lame, but cleaning had always helped relax my nerves. It's almost like physically cleaning your environment will allow you to do the same emotionally. And if anyone needed some emotional cleansing it was me.

Back in my room I plopped back onto my bed, wondering if I should just give in and shower so I could try to sleep a little bit. Just as I was gathering my shower things, though, my phone started to buzz on my bedside table. I checked the caller ID before answering.

"Hey, Alli."

"Hello, my dearest friend. How are you on this beautiful afternoon?"

"Why are you in such a good mood," I asked, avoiding the question.

"I just got off the phone with Drew," Alli admitted. "I can't wait for you to meet him Clare. I have a really good feeling about this one."

"And why is that?"

Alli launched into a rant, and I settled back in my bed, listening. Sometimes it was convenient to have a best friend that loved to talk more than anything. If I wasn't in the mood to have a real conversation, but didn't want to be rude by ignoring Alli, I could usually find a way to get her monologuing. This way, I could be there for her and not have to torture myself at the same time. It was a win-win.

In the middle of Alli's rant, she was interrupted by someone coming into her room. After a brief exchange she refocused on me. "Sorry about that."

"Not a problem. Who was that, anyway?"

"It was Sav. He was going for a walk and wanted to know if I wanted to join him. I could tell he didn't really want me to go, though. He was just asking to be nice. He's been moping around here all afternoon. I asked him what was wrong, but he wouldn't tell me. If I had to guess he had another run-in with Anya today. He always gets depressed when they fight, or whatever it is that they do exactly."

Alli effortlessly flowed back into her Drew tangent, but my mind stayed focused on what she had said about Sav. Could it be possible that he was moping around because I had lost my temper with him earlier today? My heart fluttered at the thought that I might have the same effect on Sav that Anya does, but I quickly pushed it aside.

After Alli had finished, and we had said our goodbyes, I pulled my journal back out. I needed to write; to get some of the emotions that had built up inside me out onto a page. However, I couldn't write in coherent thoughts, so instead I just described physically what I was feeling.

When I was done, I showered and crawled into bed, begging sleep to come. It didn't though, so I popped a movie into my laptop, retrieved my ear buds, and lost myself in other people's lives and stories.

Around four thirty sleep finally came around to visit me, and I gladly gave into it, noting that I was going to need some coffee in a few hours in order to make it through the school day.

Two hours later my alarm pierced through my meaningless dreams, and I dragged myself out of bed. After I had dressed, and got one and a half cups of coffee into my system, I felt much better. I informed my mom that I would be riding my bike to school, and then I left the house.

I arrived at Degrassi about forty minutes before the first bell was going to ring, so I sat down at the picnic tables. I closed my eyes, and tilted my face toward the sun, trying to soak up as much as possible.

"I hope you have sunscreen. With skin as fair as yours I bet you burn easily."

"I don't actually, but thanks for your concern."

"Can we talk?" Sav asked, waiting for permission to join me at the table.

"I don't see any reason why not," I told him carefully, gesturing for him to have a seat across from me.

"I am so, so sorry about what I did. It was rude, and I really didn't mean to upset you, Clare. Let me make it up to you, please?"

"It was rude, but I've kind of already forgiven you. I'll admit I may have overreacted a tad." I thought about asking him if he really did take my emotions entry, but I decided I didn't really want a confirmation. It was much easier to leave it open ended.

"No, you acted reasonably. That was a major invasion of your privacy. You know what they say…curiosity killed the cat. Or the Sav."

I laughed, the last traces of anger fading away. It probably should have bothered me that I forgave him so easily, but I never was one to hold a grudge. At least, that's what I told myself to justify my quick forgiveness. "I've actually never heard that version before, but I think I like it better."

"So, you'll let me make it up to you?"

"I don't think that's really necessary."

"Believe me, it is. Let's hang out tonight…as friends."

I felt the heat rise to my cheeks as he added the last part. He was probably just establishing that we were now friends instead of just connected by Alli…yeah, that was it. "Okay. I don't exactly have anything going on. What do you want to do?"

"I'll think of something. I'll come by your house to pick you up at 4:30; sound good?"

I nodded and Sav got up from the table, heading toward the school. I watched him go, the blush on my cheeks still intact.

"I've seen that stare before; where's the guy, Clare-bear?"

Alli came up from behind me, making me jump. The blush on my face deepened, and I was sure I looked like a tomato. I turned to see Alli approaching. She was attached to Drew's arm, and they both sat down across from me where seconds ago Sav had been sitting.

"There is no guy, Alli. I don't know what you're talking about."

"Fine we'll talk about it later." She winked at me.

"Or we could clear things up now- I was talking to Sav. We're going to hang out tonight. So, I remain by my previous assertion, there is no guy."

Alli's eyebrows furrowed. "Oooookaayyy…maybe we should talk later, anyway. But right now there is someone I want you to meet. Drew this Clare; Clare, Drew."

"It's nice to meet you," I told him, extending my hand. I saw Alli roll her eyes, and I mentally scolded myself. I was just so bad at first impressions; I treated everyone like a business partner, becoming overly formal.

Thankfully, Drew didn't seem fazed. "You too," he smiled at me, giving my hand a quick shake. "I've heard a lot about you."

"I'm sure you've heard a lot about everyone Alli knows."

Drew laughed loudly. "Yeah, but that's one of the things I like about her so much; you always know what's on her mind. Besides, you can tell she really cares about her friends and family by the way she talks about them." Alli and Drew sat there staring into each other's eyes, and I started to feel extremely awkward.

"Yeah, she's a keeper alright," I cleared my throat, but they seemed oblivious to the outside world. A meteor could have fallen from the sky, landing right next to the picnic table, and they probably wouldn't have noticed. "Um, okay then, I am going to go to my locker. You two have fun."

I practically ran away from the picnic table, desperate to escape the awkwardness.

My morning classes passed by quickly- especially English. I always found myself feeling winded after English ends because it always seems so short. Ms. Dawes is just so passionate about the language, and literature, that I am immediately enthralled by her opinions and interpretations. I wish the entire school day could be devoted to the subject.

At lunch I was sitting at Alli's and my regular table when Alli came up and slammed her tray down. "So…you're hanging out with Sav today…without me?"

"Yes?"

"Why?" Alli sounded so appalled that I almost laughed. Almost.

"Because Sav and I our friends."

"Since when? What the hell happened this weekend?"

A light blush rose to my face as I thought back to the other night when we connected; I hoped Alli didn't notice. "We talked. He was upset, I offered words of condolence, and our friendship was established. I really don't think it's that weird, but if it makes you uncomfortable I'll tell him I can't hang out today."

"No, I don't want you to do that. It would hurt his feelings! I'll just have to…get used to the idea, you know?"

"Yeah, I totally understand. It's kind of weird for me, too, if I'm being honest."

Suddenly Alli's face clouded over. "You _are_ just friends, right?"

"Ew, Alli, of course." My stomach lurched like it did every time I told a lie, but I wasn't lying; Sav and I were just friends. Maybe I was just hungry. I grabbed the granola bar from my brown bag lunch and started to nibble on it.

"Okay, good. So, what did you think of Drew?"

Alli switched gears so fast that I felt kind of dizzy. "Huh? Oh, yeah, he seems to really like you." That was the best I could do…it wasn't like I really had the chance to talk to the guy. Alli and he pretty much had eye sex in front of me, totally ignoring my presence.

"I know, right? He's so amazing. I can't wait for our date…"

I sighed, composing my face into a mask of attention. I was feeling drained, and didn't really have the energy to keep up with another Alli rant. Thankfully, Alli didn't need much encouragement to keep talking; she just did, so her jabber filled the rest of our lunch period.

My afternoon classes went by with the same speed as the morning, and school was over before I knew it. I rode my bike home slowly, wondering where Sav was going to take me this afternoon. Just thinking about spending time alone with him made my heart do strange little flops of anticipation, but I wrote it off as anxiety of the unknown.

When I finally arrived home, I immediately found my mom in the kitchen.

"I'm hanging out with a friend in an hour. That's okay, right?"

My mom glanced up at me, her eyes tired. "Sure, honey. You know your curfew."

I nodded, slowly backing out of the room. My mom and I still hadn't talked about what had happened at dinner the night before, and it was still the giant elephant in the room. Since then we had been overly formal to each other, only talking when absolutely necessary. It was awkward and uncomfortable, but neither of us really wanted to discuss what had happened. Apparently, for my mom, acknowledgement meant making the problem real. If she wanted to live in her fantasy world, so be it. Who was I to stop her?

I went up to my room to work on the little homework that I had before Sav came to get me. Then, at four thirty on the dot my phone started to buzz, signaling that I had a text message.

It was from Sav: 'I'm waiting outside your house. ;)'

I immediately sprung off my bed and grabbed my bag. "I'm leaving," I called as I ran down the stairs, hoping my mom heard me…wherever she was.

Once I was outside I hesitated, eyeing Sav's car. He was sitting inside, his head bobbing slightly to whatever music he had playing. The sight made me smile, and I slowly approached the car, pausing briefly before climbing in.

"Good afternoon," I greeted him.

"Clare…drop the formalities. It's okay to relax."

"I am relaxed."

"The why are your hands clenched into fists?"

I looked down in my lap where my hands were, indeed, balled up in fists. I blushed, unclenching them, and pulled my seatbelt on; I decided not to grace his question with a spoken answer. Of course, though, Sav noticed my adjustment and chuckled smugly.

"So, where are we going?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

"You'll see when we get there." A huge smile spread across his face, and I couldn't help but notice that his white teeth practically glowed against his tan skin. It was a striking contrast, but it made me notice that Sav was kind of, really handsome. "Do I have something on my face or something?" Sav asked self-consciously, breaking my train of thought and making me blush deeper.

"Um, what? No…sorry."

"You okay there, Clare-bear?"

"Never better; let's get this party started."

"My pleasure," Sav put the car into gear and pulled away from my curb. I took a few deep breaths to center myself. So far, this had not gotten off to a good start. I really needed to control myself better.

A few silent, comfortable moments later Sav pulled into the parking lot of my favorite bookstore-coffeehouse, Chapters. I was pleasantly surprised that Sav had chosen this spot as our first hang out.

"Judging by that smile on your face, is it safe to assume that I did good?"

"Better than good…this is perfect."

"You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that. I mean, I figured you would enjoy yourself at a bookstore, but I didn't know if it was weird that I brought you here to hang out."

"It's not weird at all. I actually really need some new reading material. This is great!" I swiftly leaned in and planted a kiss on his cheek before my thoughts caught up with my actions. I quickly shifted so I was as far away from him as possible in the small space of the car.

"Wow…"

"Can we pretend that didn't happen?" I asked quietly.

"But it did," Sav smiled devilishly.

"Sav, please, I'm serious."

"Yeah, that's probably for the best."

'_No shit_,' I thought, surprising myself even further. It wasn't like I never swore, but I definitely reserved foul language for extreme situations.

We both got out of the car, walked across the parking lot, and Sav held the store's door open for me. I walked in and took a deep breath, reveling in the think scent of paper and coffee. If given the opportunity, I would live in the bookstore.

"What first?" Sav asked, looking around. I thought for a moment, wondering what we could do. I didn't usually come to shop for books with company…

Then, I was struck with the best idea. "Follow me," I said excitedly. I reached out and grabbed Sav's hand, which was warm and rough, pulling him through the shelves till we reached my favorite spot in the entire store. It was technically meant for young children, but, thankfully, it was empty at the moment. The purple carpeted platform was covered in various bean bag chairs, and it was ideal for curling up with a good book. "Stay here," I ordered him, watching him choose a chair to lounge in before I ran off into the store.

It took me a full ten minutes, but I finally decided on what books to bring back to him. With Shel Silverstien's Where the Sidewalk Ends, The Giving Tree, and A Light in the Attic tucked under my arm I made my way back to the bean bag chairs.

"I was about to come search for you. I thought maybe you ran away."

"Never; I just get kind of lost in the books. But, I did find the perfect books for us to read out loud to each other! Call me a dork, but Shel will forever be my favorite poet."

I dropped the books in Sav's lap, and pulled a bean bag chair up next to his. I settled myself down into the cushion and immediately felt myself relax. I just couldn't be tense in my sanctuary. All my worries about spending time alone with Sav, and my major slips earlier, fell away, and I was in my personal heaven.

"I love Shel," Sav said, visibly relaxing as well as he handed me The Giving Tree, "Entertain me, wench." I narrowed my eyes at him, waiting for him to alter his request. "Oh, sorry. I mean: Please entertain me, most honorable Pancake Queen."

"That's better," I chuckled, and then launched into my rendering of Shel's classic tale. I used different voices for the tree and the boy, and Sav loved it. I practically had him in stitches until the tale grew more serious. By the end Sav was just watching me in amazement, but it didn't make me self-conscious as it normally would have. Instead, his attention fueled my performance, and I was enjoying myself immensely.

"That was great. Encore, Encore," Sav requested, a permanent grin plastered on his face.

"No, no, it's definitely your turn to do some reading. How about we go back and forth reading poems from one of the anthologies?"

"Sounds wonderful; which one suits your fancy?"

I loved both of the compilations, but I really had a soft spot for Where the Sidewalk Ends, so I grabbed it and handed it to Sav. "You start."

Sav predictably started with the first poem, reading it as suspenseful as he could manage, before passing the book to me. I read one of my favorites: The Crocodile and Dentist, and passed it back to Sav. And so it went for several hours until we had made our way through both books entirely. My sides we in agony by the time we finished; I couldn't remember the last time I had as much fun, or laughed so much. All my troubles had fallen away as I sat with Sav reading the fun, innocent poetry of my childhood. The best part was Sav seemed to be enjoying himself every bit as much as I. I didn't know many people who would have indulged me in reading poetry by way of hanging out, but Sav hadn't even hesitated.

The thought made me melt a little.

"That was the best. Did I not tell you it was necessary for me to make up reading your journal to you?"

"You did, and you were right. I forgive you one hundred percent."

"So…what next; coffee?"

"I could definitely use some caffeine right now," I agreed.

Sav effortlessly escaped the clutches of his bean bag chair, but I was struggling to get up. It was like the thing had molded itself to the shape of my butt, making it impossible for me to crawl out of it.

"Want some help there?" Sav extended his hand, noticing my struggle. I flushed and grabbed hold of his hand once more. With one solid yank Sav had me out of the bean bag chair, but my momentum didn't stop there. I slammed right into Sav's chest, almost knocking him over. Thankfully Sav was able to stabilize himself; and me by grabbing hold of my waist.

I looked up into his eyes and I felt my face start to blaze once more. "Um, thanks."

"No problem," Sav whispered, his hands lingering before pulling away completely. I cleared my throat and shook my head as if to physically clear my thoughts. Everything had been going so well, too.

We slowly started to make our way to the coffee shop, making sure we had ample space between us to avoid anymore unnecessary contact, when I walked smack into someone who seemed to literally come out of nowhere.

As fate would have it that someone was Anya, and she had been rushing down the aisle at such a fast speed, that I hadn't seen her in time to stop myself before running into her.

Can you say awkward?

"Oh, I'm so sorry," Anya said, bending down to gather the books she had obviously just purchased. I joined her, grabbing a book that had traveled a couple feet. I wasn't trying to be nosy, but I caught a glimpse of the title as I stood up to hand it to her: "Dealing with Cancer"

I genuinely hoped everything was okay.

"It totally wasn't your fault. This one's on me."

Anya's sincere smile faded as she realized who was standing beside me. I looked back and forth between Sav and Anya- their faces frozen in an identical mask of shock and hurt.

I was standing right in the middle of them, so I took a giant step out of the way to give them some space. However, for reasons unknown to myself, I hung close by so that I could still hear everything they were saying. It was probably rude of me, and definitely eavesdropping, but I could make my feet move any further away.

"How's everything going?" Sav was the first to break the stretch of astonished silence.

"It's been better." Anya's voice cracked as she spoke.

"What's wrong? Is there anything I can do?" Sav took a step toward Anya, closing the space between them. His concern was instant and authentic. And it made anger simmer in the pit of my stomach.

"I'd rather not talk about it, but thank you for your concern."

Sav rested his hand on Anya's arm, and the fire in my stomach growled. "If you ever do need to talk, I'm here."

Anya swiped a small tear off her cheek and started to retreat. "I know. Thanks. I have to get going, though. It was…nice to see you. I hope everything is well."

"Bye," Sav whispered as Anya ran off.

I started to approach him again. "Is everything okay?" I asked as if I hadn't been present for the entire thing. Not that Sav had noticed that I had stuck around- when Anya was in the room the rest of the world fell away.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Great…so coffee?"

"If you're still up for it…"

"I'm always up for coffee!" Sav attempted to smile, but it came out mangled, forced.

We ordered and sat down at a table, but neither of us attempted conversation. We were both so lost in thought: Sav about Anya, and me about Sav…and Anya.

There was no doubt that I would have been better off had I slipped away, and gave them so real privacy to talk. Because if I had I wouldn't be facing the mess inside me head at the moment.

As much as I didn't want to admit it, that fire I had felt simmering in my stomach a few minutes earlier had been jealousy. But what did I have to be jealous about? Sav and I were friends. Maybe I had been jealous of the fact that Sav and Anya could hold a civil conversation while KC and I couldn't even manage to look each other in the eye.

But I knew that wasn't the real reason.

It was obvious that Sav wasn't over Anya.

And I was bothered by that on a level that wasn't conducive to friendship.

**So, quick note: I totally did research to find bookstores in Toronto (I live in the US, and I wanted it to be accurate), so Chapters is a real place. I swear.**

**Anyway, I hope you all like the chapter. Let me know what you thought? =)**

**I'll have the next one up ASAP. I wouldn't want to leave you hanging for too long. **

**As always, thank you so much for reading. You guys are always way kind to me, and your words of encouragement are touching. I love you all. **


	4. Drama Rama

**I would like to take this time to remind you all that I don't own Degrassi. **

**And now…chapter four!**

**So much drama up in here: **

Sav and I finished our coffee around the same time, and we silently got up to leave. As Sav started the car he turned to look at me. "I'm sorry, Clare. Seeing Anya always puts me in a funky mood. You understand, right?"

"Sav, I really don't want to talk…,"

He cut me off, continuing to explain his behavior. "I mean, I loved her…I do love her. And every time I think I'm starting to get over her she shows up randomly in my life, and I fall hard. Maybe I should just stop trying…accept that I'll never stop loving Anya and live my life as it has been planned out for me. Happiness is overrated, right?"

"Sav, stop!"

Sav turned to me, his eyes wide with surprise. "Clare?"

"I…I'm sorry. I just, um, please take me home."

"Okay…," Sav put the car in gear and pulled out of the space. The entire ride home he continued to shoot me worried, uncomfortable looks. Each one became less subtle, and my cheeks were burning a deep red by the time Sav finally pulled up to the curb in front of my house.

"I had a great time. Sorry for exploding like that. I'll see you tomorrow." I tried to swiftly, and gracefully, exit the car, but Sav's hand landed on my arm, holding me in place, before I could even crack the door open.

"Can we…talk about what happened back there? Because I'm a little confused, and more than a little concerned."

"Um, I just didn't get any sleep last night, my parents are acting really weird, my mom and I got in a fight, and the caffeine hadn't kicked in yet. No need to be concerned, I just lost it- happens to the best of us, right?"

Everything I had said was true enough, but none of it had anything to do with why I freaked out. The truth was I just didn't want to hear Sav talk about Anya. It had been painful in ways that I really didn't want to dwell on.

"Is everything okay with your folks?" Sav was instantly concerned, and I felt guilty for not being upfront with him about the Anya thing. Not that it made a difference; I could barely admit that to myself, so it would be a cold day in hell that I would admit it to Sav.

"I don't really know, but I also don't want to talk about it."

"If you do, you know I'm here for you, right?"

His words reminded me of the similar promise he had made Anya earlier. Damn him for being so caring, and compassionate, and genuine, and sweet…

'_Stop it_!' I mentally scolded myself. This was not good.

"I know. Thanks. But I'm exhausted right now. I'm going to go inside. Thanks again; I had a lot of fun tonight."

"I did too…the most fun I've had since officially ending things with Anya. So, thank you, Clare."

My heart skipped a beat, lurching painfully, at his words. This would be so much easier if he didn't drop cute little sentences like that.

"I'm glad," I said, finally opening the car door. Sav gave my arm a gentle squeeze before leaning back into his seat, shifting the car into gear. I closed the door, and walked up my front steps, turning back at the last moment to watch Sav drive off.

After standing there for a few minutes, trying my best to compose myself before facing my parents, I pushed open the door to my house. I was greeted by screaming.

"You're never here anymore! Even our daughter has noticed! We're going to have to talk about this sometime!"

"I said, not now, Helen! I don't have time for this!"

"You don't have time for your family?"

"You know that's not what I meant!"

All the color immediately drained from my face, and I broke out in a cold sweat. I had one of two options: sneak into my room, or slam the door closed- making my presence known. I chose the former, quietly closing the front door, and creeping up the stairs.

Once I was in my room I didn't know what to do. I felt like I had climbed an emotional mountain in the last hour, and all my brain wanted to do was shutdown; ignore all the details. I simply couldn't process all this at once. So, instead of trying, I hopped in the shower, letting the warm water relax my nerves.

I got out and pulled on my most comfy pajamas, hoping they would help me actually sleep. Just as I was about to climb in bed my phone stared to buzz. I grabbed it, checking the caller ID. It was Alli, probably wondering what tonight had been like, but I just couldn't bear talking to anyone right now. And if there was one thing I wanted to avoid discussing with Alli it was Sav's and my relationship- platonic or otherwise; although, of course, it was never going to be anything other than platonic. So, I turned off my phone to assure myself that no one would bother me further.

Unfortunately, I couldn't coax my body or brain into sleep. I curled up in bed for a good hour before deciding that desperate times were going to lead me to desperate measures. I made my way to my parents' bathroom quietly, hoping they hadn't gone to bed yet, and poured myself a dose of cough syrup from the medicine cabinet. It was disgusting, and of course I wasn't feeling ill, but it would knock me out for sure.

Thankfully, it did the trick, putting me to sleep within the hour. I drifted off into a peaceful, alternate universe where my problems didn't exist.

XXX

My mom was silent as she drove me to school the next morning. I tried a few times to start up a conversation, but it was like I didn't even exist. She sat staring straight ahead and it started to worry me. Maybe things with her and my dad were worse than I had initially thought. It wasn't like the fight last night had been particularly harsh, but my parents weren't people that fought at all.

If only my mom was willing to talk; I needed to know what was going on with my family. It was uncomfortable to be so clueless, and I had fallen asleep before their fight was over last night. I had no idea how they had left things.

When we finally pulled up to the school I started to exit the car, but my mom cleared her throat. I turned back to see her finally facing me, tears streaking down my mom's face. She didn't even seem to notice them.

"Don't make any plans tonight, okay, Clare-bear? Your dad and I need to talk to you. We're going out to dinner."

I gulped. The whole event sounded like one big disaster in the making, but I had just been hoping for a talk, had I not?

"Of course; I'll see you later mom."

"Have a good day at school, sweetie."

Yeah, like I could ever have a good day at school now that I had this dinner to worry about. No doubt my mind would go over every single scenario, deeming them all the worst-case.

Before I could start in on my miserable obsessions, though, Alli raced up to me as soon as my mom's car pulled away.

"I called you, like, a hundred times last night, but your phone was off."

"I know. I turned it off."

Alli caught my hand before I could walk away from her, and whirled me around to face her, engulfing me in a hug. I relaxed into her, Alli's familiar perfume surrounding me. She always smelled like sugary vanilla, and the scent forever reminded me of friendship.

"You looked like you could use that," Alli smiled, pulling away.

Alli never ceased to amaze me. Sure, she was a little boy crazy and self-absorbed, but she truly cared about me, and always knew exactly what I needed. I was so lucky to have her as a friend. "Thanks, Alli. Really."

"No problem. Is there something you want to talk to me about?"

"I…there's something going on with my parents, but I'm not sure what, exactly. We're going to dinner tonight to talk. I just have a bad feeling about all of this."

"Tonight…are you still going to be able to cover for my date with Drew…I could always find someone else?"

"Oh, Alli, I'm sorry! I forgot all about it. Could you? Find someone else to cover for you, I mean."

"Yeah, I'll ask Jenna, or whatever." I rolled my eyes. Jenna was basically the reason that KC and I had split, but her and Alli have maintained a semi-friendship. Not that it really bugs me, I told Alli I was fine with it, I just always get a little possessive whenever Jenna's name is mentioned. Old habits die hard, I guess.

"Thanks, Alli. Like I said, I'm sorry."

"Clare, it's really not a big deal. Whatever is going on with your parents is way more important. Speaking of important, how did your hang out with Sav go yesterday?"

"That was the worst segue I have ever heard."

"Clare, stop procrastinating and just tell me about it! I still think it's so weird that it happened in the first place."

"So why do we have to talk about it?"

"Because if we don't I'll never get comfortable with it, and it'll be like a giant wall in the middle of our friendship. Is that what you want?"

Alli was scary philosophical sometimes. "No, that's not at all what I want."

"So…what did you guys do?"

"We went to Chapters, read books, drank coffee, and left."

"Ew, that sounds really boring."

"I had a great time, actually."

"You are so weird. So is Sav. I can't believe you two hung out at a bookstore."

I hadn't expected Alli to understand. Her idea of a good time was shopping for clothes. Not that there was anything wrong with that, I just didn't enjoy it. Alli and I had a different idea of fun.

"Speak of the devil, look who is coming this way now…"

Sav was making his way across the school's yard, heading directly toward Alli and me. I was already in over my head with my parents' drama, and I didn't want to deal with any more. So, I made a snap decision to avoid Sav until I was able to figure everything out.

"I, um, have to go talk to Ms. Dawes about something," I quickly fibbed. "I'll catch up with you at lunch, okay?"

Alli shot me a funny look, but didn't protest. "Yeah, sounds good."

I took off just as Sav was approaching Alli. I heard him ask as I walked away, "Is everything okay with Clare?"

"I'm sure it will be," Alli assured him, and I blushed, quickening my pace. If only ether of them knew what was going on in the tangled mess I call my brain…

The day went by slowly, each tick of the clock reverberating in my pounding head. I couldn't help the doomsday attitude that had settled around me like a fog. I couldn't focus, and I really didn't want to be around people. I was living so far inside my head that no one tried to talk to me, and for that I was thankful. For lunch, I snuck into Ms. Dawes' classroom, hoping it would be empty.

"Can I help you, Mrs. Edwards?"

I jumped, whirling around to find Dawes sitting at her desk.

"I was, um, just hoping to find a quiet place to eat my lunch alone," I admitted quietly.

"I did notice you were rather reserved today. Is there anything you want to talk about?"

I shook my head. "Thanks for offering, but I'm saving up my energy for tonight."

Ms. Dawes shot me a funny look, and I realized that she would have no idea what would be happening tonight.

"Well, I can understand not wanting to talk, but writing can sometimes be an emotional outlet creative people like you."

"I keep a journal, actually," I pulled it out of my bag, and offered it as proof. To be honest, I had forgotten it was with me. Dawes was right, though. It would probably be helpful if I wrote some of my feelings down.

"I advise you use it," Ms. Dawes smiled at me, "and feel free to stay in here till your next class. I'll just take my lunch to the teachers' lounge."

"Thank you," I called after her, as she closed the door behind her. Finally alone I sat down at my desk and stared to unpack my lunch. As I nibbled on my carrots, I started to write. I decided not to directly write about my feelings because I had no idea if I was overreacting about this dinner. Instead I started a short story about a girl who was going through a divorce. She felt trapped, scared, but she wasn't alone- she had amazing friends that were helping her get through everything.

The process was strangely cathartic, and I was filled with a fragile serenity by the time lunch was over. I quickly jotted down a thank you note for Dawes, telling her that writing had been exactly what I needed, and I left the note on her desk before rushing to my next class.

After projecting my fears onto an imaginary character I was able to relax and enjoy my last half of the school day. Well, perhaps enjoy was putting it a little strongly…I was able to endure the last of my classes without having the urge to run, screaming out the door.

Once the final bell rang, I rushed to my locker in hopes of gathering my things before anyone had the chance to find me.

However, lady luck decided today wasn't my day.

"I looked for you at lunch today, but I couldn't find you. And it kind of seemed like you ran away from me this morning. Did I…do something wrong?"

I cringed; Sav sounded so upset, but I really didn't have the endurance to deal with this at the moment. In fact, I wanted to put off dealing with Sav as long as I possibly could.

"Nope; I'm just stressed. I've got to go. I'll talk to you later."

"Clare," Sav ran ahead of me, forcing me to stop in my tracks. He placed his hands on my shoulders, and bent down to look me right in the eye. "Does this have to do with your parents, or what happened last night? Because if it's too weird to hang out as friends we don't have to do it again."

"Sav, I can't talk right now. I have to get home, but I can tell you that I loved hanging out with you last night."

"Oh, okay, good because I really had a good time. I was hoping we could do it again sometime soon."

"Yeah, sure," I told him, not sure if I should really commit to that. Of course I wanted to hang out with Sav some more, but it probably wasn't a very good idea. "I really have to go now, though. My mom is waiting for me."

"Right, sorry," Sav released my shoulders, and I took off as fast as humanly possible.

My mom's car was sitting right out front, and I slipped into it quickly.

"How was school?" my mom asked. Gone was the vulnerable, broken woman I had seen earlier, the peppy mother who was convinced that nothing was wrong had taken her place in my absence.

"Um, fine. Is everything okay?"

"Well, your father is meeting us for dinner at 5. Does that give you enough time to do your homework?"

"I guess."

This was too weird. Had she not brought up the dinner, I would have thought I made this morning up completely. I understood that this was obviously the way my mom had chosen to deal with her problems, but it was starting to freak me out. It had to hurt to pretend to be that happy and unaffected.

As the car ride grew awkward I retrieved my phone out of my bag so I could text Alli. I hadn't gotten the chance to wish her luck on her date in person, so this was the next best thing.

'Have a great time tonight; I hope all goes well. Send me pictures of your outfit?'

I didn't have to wait very long for a response: 'Missed you at lunch today. I will definitely send you pictures, and call you after to recap the whole thing! I hope your dinner goes equally well. I'm thinking about you, Clare-bear.'

A small smile snaked its way onto my lips. Alli could be so sweet, and I already felt better knowing that she was there as soon as I needed her.

The next couple of hours passed by slowly as I sat in my room. The anticipation in my house was so thick that I could practically slice through it with a knife. I could almost feel my mom's world coming apart at the seams. She was pacing back and forth downstairs, but I could hear it from my room, making it impossible for me to concentrate on my homework.

When it was a quarter till five my mom called me downstairs, and we drove to Little Miss Steaks, a popular restaurant in town.

My dad was already there, sitting at a table waiting for our arrival. He looked almost as tired and beaten as my mom had this morning. My pulse started to pick up, pounding in my ears. Suddenly I was overwhelmed by the desire to be somewhere else; anywhere but this restaurant.

I thought I had wanted to know what had been going on with my parents, but I would be just fine if we continued to pretend like nothing was wrong.

Because this talk would make things real, and that was terrifying.

"How was school, Clare-bear," my dad asked as we slipped into the booth.

"Just great."

My dad nodded, his eyes glazing over. It was like he was asking the question because it was expected of him, a way to fill the silence.

I wondered if my parents were going to lie whatever news they had on me now, or if they were going to make me wait through the meal.

I soon got my answer when the waitress came over to give us some menus, and my parents started to silently look through them. I was going to have to sit though an entire torturous meal before I was clued in.

We all ordered, but none of us really ate anything. I pushed my food around my plate, trying to make it look like I had eaten some of it, when in reality I didn't think I could stomach any food at the moment.

Finally, after a long, painful silence, my mom spoke up.

"Your dad is moving out until further notice."

I nearly choked on my water. After all this time pretending like nothing was wrong she had just shoved that at me. The news stung; like ripping off a Band-Aide.

"Why?"

My dad was the one to answer. "Your mom and I are…trying to work some things out right now. We decided that I might be easier to work out our problems if we had a little space."

"You're not…getting divorced, are you?"

"It's a possibility, but it doesn't have to happen," my mom placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged it off.

"Be realistic, Helen. If anything a divorce is probable."

"That's only because you are unwilling to take the time to fix this, Randall. We need to seek professional help."

"Please, all we need is some space."

"This isn't going to just go away!"

I couldn't take it any longer- the news, the fighting, being around them, so I got up and started to walk away.

"Where are you going?" Both of my parents called after me, but I ignored them. I didn't exactly know where I was going; I just knew it had to be away from this pace; far, far away.

I walked along empty sidewalks trying not to think about what had just happened. If I thought about it I would cry, and I didn't want to cry. Crying was a form of acknowledgement; it conveyed sadness. Crying would solidify the news, make it real.

So, I shut my brain off, and wandered around on auto-pilot.

Before I knew it I was on Alli's front porch. I needed some serious alone time with my best friend.

I knocked on the door before I remembered that Alli was on her date with Drew. Damnit, this was bad timing.

I was just turning to walk away when Sav opened the door.

"Clare…are you okay? You look kind of…off."

And just like that, I lost it. The dams all broke loose, and I was sobbing uncontrollably. Sav grabbed my hand, pulling me into the house, and shut the door behind me.

He led me to the couch where he sat me down, then settled in next to me. He didn't ask a single question, he just let me lay my head on his shoulder and curl up into a ball at his side. Sav gently stroked my hair and rubbed circles on my back as I sat there crying for what seemed like forever. Finally, the tears slowed, and I was able to breathe again.

"Sorry," I said, pulling away from Sav.

"You want to tell me what happened to you?"

I looked into Sav's eyes. They were such a deep, warm brown. Those eyes were so friendly and welcoming that I found myself outlining every detail from last night's fight to the one that had happened mere minutes ago.

"I don't know what I'll do if they get divorced. I've always relied on my family…I can't sit by and watch it fall apart."

"Even if they do get divorced, you'll make it through. You're strong, Clare."

"I don't feel very strong. I feel unbelievably tiny right now."

"I think that's pretty understandable," Sav reassured me. "No one expects you to adjust to this quickly."

"I know someone who does."

"Who?"

"Me."

"Clare, that's not really fair to yourself. You can't always be everyone else's support system. You have to let yourself be taken care of every once in a while."

"Like right now?" I asked, gesturing back and forth between Sav and me.

"Yeah, exactly like right now…in fact, why don't you let me kick it up a notch; let's go do something fun, get your mind off of the stressful things."

"What did you have in mind?"

Sav thought for a few moments; I could practically see the wheels in his head turning. "We have to go all out…something you've never done before. Oh, I've got it- paintball!"

"That could be…fun."

"Of course it'll be fun. I know this great spot, and they don't use guns there, so it's all good. You just lob balls of paint at your opponents. It'll be a great way for you to blow off some steam."

I had to admit, throwing things did sound like a pretty good way to release my anger and frustration. Besides, Sav looked so proud of his idea that I really wouldn't have the heart to turn him down even if I didn't like the sound of paintballing. Good thing I loved it.

I got up from the couch, realizing that I still had on the dress I had worn to school. I wasn't an expert on these things, but a dress didn't seem to be the proper attire for paintballing.

"I may need to change before we go…but I don't want to go back home. My parents are probably waiting for me there."

"I would tell you to borrow some of Alli's clothes, but I don't know if she has any paintball appropriate clothing either."

I cringed, "Alli would probably kill me if I got paint on any of her clothes anyway."

"You can borrow some of mine. Of course, they'll probably be big, but I don't want you to ruin that pretty dress of yours. Come with me."

I blushed when he called my dress pretty, but my blush deepened when he grabbed my hand to pull me up the stairs.

"Where are your parents?" With all the drama I hadn't realized, until now, that Mr. and Mrs. Bhandari weren't home.

"Well, with Alli over at Jenna's they decided to go out to dinner."

That wasn't good. I hoped Drew and Mr. Bhandari didn't have the same taste in food, or else Alli's night could end up being disastrous. Selfishly, I was a bit relieved that Alli had found someone else to cover for her because if she got caught I wouldn't be in the middle of it.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I hadn't noticed when we had made it into Sav's room. My pulse started to race as I realized I was alone…with a boy…in their room. This was not a situation I was used to. And it wasn't just any boy…this was Sav.

My mental musings were interrupted by a slam of one of Sav's dresser drawers. "Here are some shorts and a t-shirt. The bathroom's right over there. I'll, uh, step out."

"Okay…thanks." I locked the bathroom door and examined myself in the mirror. My eyes were red and swollen, my hair was a mess, and my skin looked blotchy. I had no idea why it bothered me this much that Sav had seen me like this, but then I was reminded of the gentle way he had run his hands through my hair waiting patiently for me to gather myself. Once again, my heart turned to mush.

I quickly splashed some water on my face, and changed into the clothes Sav had provided me with. The shorts were silver and ran just passed my knees. Sav was, after all, a little over six feet tall while I was still five three. The t-shirt was for Motion City Soundtrack, which was a band I had listened to a few times, and it fit me a little better. It was still a bit big, but I wasn't swimming in it.

"I'm ready to go," I said as I walked out into the hall. Sav took one look at me and started laughing. "What?" I blushed, growing self-conscience.

"I just…nothing. Those actually look really good on you, Clare."

My blush deepened. "I bet they would look better if you weren't freakishly tall."

"Did you ever think you're just freakishly short?"

"I'm perfectly average, thank you very much."

"Whatever let's you sleep at night," Sav winked at me.

Already, I was in a much better mood. Sav was just so buoyant that it was helping me tread the water as opposed to drowning.

Mr. and Mrs. Bhandari had taken the truck, so Sav and I hopped into Mrs. Bhandari's car and headed to this magic land of paintball that Sav had described. When we got there Sav paid for the admission fee, in spite of a large amount of protests from me, and we were given jumpsuits and a sack of paint-covered balls.

Sav and I slipped the jumpsuits on over our clothes, and we were released into the field. Apparently, paintball was a popular activity because it seemed pretty crowded to me; most of the time I stuck close to Sav, but sometimes I got brave and ran off on my own. It was interesting how these people were so comfortable with throwing objects at strangers. It was like on the paintball field you were stripped of your individuality, and everyone is fair game. It was strangely comforting, and I was having the time of my life.

Sav and I spent our last five minutes on the field throwing whatever balls we had left at each other. I was sure I had all kinds of colors in my hair and on my face by the time we were done. Sav was also colored in; his black hair specked with blue, orange, red, green and yellow. The flecks of color just seemed to highlight Sav's bright personality, and, strangely, my jubilant attitude.

"That was actually really fun. Thank you Sav; I feel so much better now."

Sav and I slid into the car after returning the jumpsuits. Amazingly, they had worked pretty well- I had only gotten a few splashes of paint of Sav's clothes.

"I'm glad it worked. I had a great time, too. I really enjoy spending time with you, Clare."

"I know; I wonder why it took us so long to bond this way."

Sav laughed. "Should I take you home?"

I sank a little. If there was one place I didn't want to go it was back home. It had taken me almost three hours to forget about what was going on, and I didn't necessarily feel like remembering.

"I guess you should," I gave in reluctantly.

I sat quietly on the ride there, sulking. Was I going to have to face my mom and my dad, or was it just my mom since my dad was moving out? Would they be angry, or did they even notice I had been gone for so long? They were probably too busy yelling at each other.

Before I could gather my thoughts, before I was ready, we pulled up to my house. I sighed, pulling down the vanity mirror on the visor, quickly sneaking a peek at myself before I went in to face certain doom. The paint was dry all over my face, and in clumps throughout my hair. Not to mention my eyes were still rimmed-red and a little puffy.

"My parents are going to kill me; I look ridiculous."

"I think you look beautiful."

My eyes locked with Sav's and he leaned in, his large hands cupping my face, tilting it up toward his. My breath caught in my chest as Sav got closer, and I could feel my heart trying to pound its way out of my chest.

Then, ever so softly, Sav brushed his lips against mine once, twice, three times. My body went slack, and the only thing I could feel were the parts of my body that were in contact with Sav's. My brain seemed to shut down; all I could think about was Sav. He was everywhere. Sav pulled away just slightly to look me in the eyes again, perhaps to gauge my reaction, and when he was satisfied with what he saw there he leaned back in, his eyes closing.

This time his lips met mine firmly, parting slightly. Our lips locked together, and we paused for a moment. Sav's lips were so soft and warm. They were big, but surprisingly gentle. I could feel myself turning to putty in his hands.

After a moment Sav pulled away completely, and just sat there, smiling at me.

An elated smile turned my lips up as well…until my brain turned back on.

"What the hell, Sav!"

The smile slipped off his face, and he looked back at me, confused. "I thought…"

"No, this was just so much easier when I didn't have to acknowledge my feelings for you. But now you've gone and kissed me, and I have to admit that I like you. More than friends. Alli's going to kill me! Alli's going to kill both of us. No, no, no! I can't deal with anymore drama right now. Besides, what about Anya, huh? Just yesterday you were telling me how you were never going to get over her, and I doubt you have since then. This is not going to work out, and I was doing so well ignoring it. Damn it!"

"Clare," Sav started, hurt evident on his face.

"No, don't say anything. I have to go."

I quickly got out of the car, slamming the door behind me, and ran into my house. Everything was quiet inside, and I sank down to the floor, leaning against the front door.

I was still angry, but I could feel Sav's lips against mine, his scent surrounding me.

When had my life become such a big mess?

**I wonder what Alli's going to do, hmm? You guys will just have to wait and see. I'll have a new chapter up within the week. **

**Till then, what did you think of this one? **

**Thanks for reading, guys! =)**


	5. Apologies and Explanations

**All I have to say is- you readers make my day. That's all. **

**Let's get on with the chapter, shall we? :**

"How long have you been home, young lady?"

I opened my eyes to see my mom standing above me, her arms crossed. I felt a brief moment of guilt when I saw the worry lines evident on her already stressed face, but then I remembered how she had just dropped the bomb on me earlier; in public no less. My anger, hurt, and frustration came flooding back. 

I looked down at my wrist watch. "Exactly two minutes," I told her, adding as much sarcasm to my voice as I could muster.

"Do you know how worried I've been? I called you at least a dozen times, but you never had the decency to give me the slightest inkling to where you disappeared to. Clare Edwards, where are your clothes…and more importantly, whose clothes are you wearing!"

"Oh, so now I have to have the decency to tell you where I am every waking moment, but you didn't have the decency to tell me what was going on with you and Dad? You've been lying to me, Mom. And their Sav's, not that it matters."

"Don't you dare talk to me like that, missy!"

"How about I don't talk to you at all, then." And with that I raced up the stairs and into my room, locking the door behind me.

I collapsed on my bed, and let the tears stream noiselessly down my face. I had yelled a lot today, and that was completely out of character for me. Not to mention, while my mom totally deserved it, I was already regretting my rude behavior toward Sav.

Not that it made anything I said less true; I just wish I hadn't tainted the perfection of the moment. I felt like a monster; I wouldn't be surprised if Sav never wanted to talk to me again.

Frustrated, I ran a hand through my hair, reminding me that I had to shower because I was still covered in paint. As I pulled Sav's shirt over my head I was hit with a wave of Sav's signature scent- some mix of coffee and undercurrents of the vanilla scent Alli always gave off. It smelled like heaven, and it took my mind right back to that kiss- instantly my knees became weak.

Clearly, since I had finally admitted the feelings to myself, I was in way deeper than even I had imagined. I hoped I hadn't caused irreversible damage.

I folded the shirt and the shorts, placing them on the floor right next to my hamper so I would remember to throw them into the wash before returning them, and got into the shower. It took a while, but I finally got the majority of the paint off my face and out of my hair. Some stubborn bits still clung to my hair and skin, but they were barely noticeable.

After slipping on my pajamas I realized how exhausted I really was. Tonight, I would actually sleep…without the aid of cough syrup.

I crawled into bed, and snuggled under the covers, trying to get comfortable, but my eyes kept landing on Sav's pile of clothing on my floor. After a few minutes of trying to forget that they were there I gave in, picking the shirt up off the floor.

I inhaled deeply, pressing the soft fabric against my face. It might be considered slightly obsessive behavior, but I was able to relax with Sav's comfortable aroma surrounding me. So, I held onto the shirt, lying back down in my bed. When I fell asleep, all I could dream about were those soft, warm, brown eyes, and that short, but sweet, kiss. Both images ran on loop through my head the entire night, and I slept peacefully for the first time in a while.

XXX

The next morning I woke with Sav's shirt still clutched in my hands. A smile tugged at the edge of my lips till all the events of the evening came rushing back, and I sat up, dropping my head into my hands. I had some major damage control to do today.

I grabbed my phone off my bedside table, flipping it open to check the time. I set it back down, hurling myself out of bed, but then I realized something was off…Alli had never called me last night to tell her about her date. Granted, I could have called her, but I had been a little sidetracked; I couldn't believe I hadn't even noticed Alli's silence. This was not a good sign.

I got ready for school with a new urgency; I had to talk to Alli as soon as possible. However, I wasn't quite ready to face her. I didn't know how to tell her that Sav and I had kissed, or, more importantly, that I had romantic feelings for her brother. Alli was my best friend, and she was going to kill me.

I curled my hair, slipped on a dress and a cardigan, and rushed out the door without having breakfast or saying goodbye to my mom.

Instead of riding my bike, like I normally would have, I walked to give myself some extra time before facing either one of the Bhandaris. No doubt about it, this wasn't going to be an easy day.

When I got to Degrassi, though, Alli was nowhere to be found. I looked for her at her locker, at the picnic tables, the cafeteria, her first class even though school didn't start for another ten minutes, and finally, when I got desperate, I tracked down Drew.

"Um, hi," I said timidly, tapping Drew on the shoulder.

"Oh, hey, Clare. Look, I'm sorry, okay; how was I supposed to know that Alli's parents were going out to eat."

"I'm…not here to yell at you, although you seem to be under the impression that I am. I just wanted to know if you've seen Alli this morning. I need to talk to her. She never called me last night."

"Oh, yeah, well she might be a little grounded. We were caught yesterday, and her dad was beyond pissed. Although, that doesn't really explain why she's not in school today. I feel really bad about what happened."

"Shoot, I should have called when I heard that her parents had gone out to eat. I'm such a horrible friend."

"No you're not, Clare. Alli's always talking about how great you are- you're always there for her; you're the only person she trusts with everything."

Even though he didn't know it, Drew was twisting the knife that was in my stomach. I knew Drew was trying to reassure me, but I would really like it if he stopped. "Well, thanks Drew. I have to get to class now. See you around." He was kind of dopey, but he seemed nice enough. I definitely liked him better than Johnny- he had better not do anything to change that or he was a dead man.

My morning classes were fine enough, but I had way too much on my mind to really retain anything I was taught. Every few seconds my mind would switch topics from my parents, to Alli, to Sav. It was a never-ending cycle, and I was feeling kind of sick and dizzy by the time lunch rolled around.

When I walked into the cafeteria my eyes immediately swept the room for Sav. I couldn't talk to Alli because she was MIA, but I really owed Sav an apology…with a side of groveling.

I spotted him in the far corner, alone, reading a book while eating his lunch.

I slowly approached, suddenly growing nervous. A cold sweat broke out on my neck, and my pulse went into double time. "What are you reading?" I asked quietly, standing across from him.

Sav looked up, his eyes immediately growing defensive. "Why do you want to know?"

"Sav, I really need to talk to you; scratch that, I really need to beg for your forgiveness."

His lips twitched, but he made an effort not to smile. "Beg, huh? I'm listening."

"I really shouldn't have gotten angry at you last night. I really like you Sav, and to be honest, that scares me because there are so many reasons for this not to work out. My parents' relationship is in the process of going down the tubes, and I don't think I could handle it if we gave this a shot, and it didn't work. It would all be too much, you know? When you kissed me, and I finally let myself admit that I like you, it freaked me out how _much_ I like you. So, I overcompensated by exploding. I am so, so, so sorry, Sav. Please forgive me; I need you to forgive me. I can make it up to you. I'll plan something ten times more romantic than reading poetry in the kid's section of a bookstore."

I was out of breath by the end of my apology, but I still held it, waiting for Sav's answer. He paused for a while, leaning back in his seat.

Finally, Sav looked up, meeting my anxious gaze. "Ten times more romantic, eh?"

I smiled, letting out a huge sigh of relief, and sat down across from him.

"Maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration, but it won't stop me from trying."

"I can't wait," Sav smiled at me, his happiness breaking through and lighting up his face. We sat there for a moment, just looking at each other in this new light. Who would have guessed- me and Sav?

'_Certainly not Alli_,' the thought flashed through my mind, sending little pangs of guilt through my stomach once again.

I could feel my face cloud over, and, almost as if they were connected, Sav's did as well.

"What?"

"I can't help but think about all the factors that will get in the way of this working out…Alli, Anya, your parents. I mean, those are some pretty big obstacles, don't you think?"

Sav reached across the table to place his warm hand over top of mine. "Clare, as long as we take this slow, talk to each other about our worries, and respect each other I think we can work through it all. You've admitted a few times now how much you like me, but you haven't let me return the favor. You are amazing, Clare; like no girl I've ever met before. It took me a while, too; to realize that I was falling for you, but when I did I really wasn't surprised. You're sweet, caring, smart, not to mention adorable- I want this to work out."

By the time he was done talking I had forgotten about my parents, about his parents, Alli, Anya, everything. Sav just had that effect on me, and I melted every time he looked me in the eye as he was doing now.

"I really want this to work, too."

"So, we agree? We'll just take it slow; handle one thing at a time."

"Agreed. Speaking of all the things we have to handle…where is Alli?"

"Oh, well, she was pretty upset about the grounding…and all the yelling. So I pretended to be our dad this morning, after our folks left for work, and I called the school to tell them Alli wasn't feeling well enough to go to school. Wait, you probably don't even know what I'm talking about- last night…"

I cut Sav off. "I do, actually. I talked to Drew this morning."

"You knew she wasn't actually with Jenna last night?"

"Didn't you?"

"Surprisingly, no. Hmm. Not that it would make a difference. They're pretty pissed at her right now."

"That really sucks. I need to talk to her. When do your parents get home from work?"

"Not till later; you can come over after school! And even if they do come home, we can just say you're over for me. I don't know how well it'll go over, but it's not too far-fetched. We are together now."

I blushed hearing the words said out loud. I liked the way they sounded. Sav and I were together. Just thinking it put a big, goofy smile on my face.

Just then, the bell rang signaling the end of lunch. "I'll meet you at your locker after school?"

"Sounds like a plan," Sav smiled and stood up, gathering his things, including the book he had been reading before I interrupted.

"You never did tell me what you're reading," I pointed out as we walked out of the cafeteria together.

Sav blushed, making me even more curious. "Well, um, remember when I read your journal?"

"Yes…"

"You mentioned this really great book, and it sounded like you were really enjoying it, so I got curious. I went out and picked up a copy to see why you loved it so much, and it turns out you were right- it's pretty fascinating."

"You're reading 13 Reasons Why?" The goofy grin grew more pronounced.

Sav smiled and nodded, ruffling my hair before heading down the hallway with his locker. I watched him walk away, wondering how I had ever been so lucky. He had forgiven me pretty quickly considering I had been so nasty to him. I was going to have to be really careful not to screw up again, or I might not be so lucky the next time around, and I really didn't want to lose Sav. He was such a genuinely good guy.

I spent my afternoon classes bouncing back and forth between crippling anxiety in regard to Alli and my parents, and elation about Sav. I drew faith from the fact that I had been able to do something right for a change, so maybe talking to Alli wouldn't be the horrible disaster that I imagined it would.

Either way, I would find out pretty soon.

When the final bell rang I went to my locker to gather my things, and then I made my way to Sav's.

"Howdy, handsome."

"Normally I would laugh at anyone who said that to me, but I'll let you get away with it because you're pretty."

"Yeah, because I'm sure you get that all the time."

"Touché."

I smiled, triumphant. It was amazing how naturally Sav and I transitioned from being friends to being romantically involved. We just fit well together; it was truly baffling. I was becoming more confident that we could get through everything in our way.

"Are you ready to go?"

I broke out of my thoughts, looking up at Sav. "Sure am."

As we walked to the car Sav smoothly slipped his hand into mine, intertwining our fingers. I looked down at our hands- they looked so different. Sav's hands were so large, and practically engulfed mine, which looked extremely tiny in comparison. His dark skin only made my creamy completion look pale and ghostly, but the sensation of his hand connected to mine made me feel warm from the inside out; it made me feel safe, comfortable.

The short ride to Alli's consisted of Sav loudly singing along to the radio while I leaned my head back, closed my eyes, and listened. There was no doubt about it, Sav was good; his voice had a unique quality to it, and that made me enjoy it even more.

Sav pulled up to the curb outside his house, turned off the radio, and looked at me.

"So, um, do we have a plan of action?"

I raised my eyebrows at him in confusion. "We?"

"Well, I mean, we're going to talk to her about us, right?"

"Yeah, I want to, but if she's upset about what happened with your parents last night, this may not be a good time to dump something like that on her. Of course, if Alli asked directly, I would tell her. But I don't want to make her bad day worse if at all possible; that wouldn't be fair."

"Okay, but if you do decide to tell her…should I be there?"

I paused for a second, thinking it over. If I were Alli, and my best friend was telling me that she had feelings for my brother, would I want said brother to be present? No, I really wouldn't; it would make things even more awkward. Not to mention, that's awfully 'in your face'. I don't want to overwhelm Alli with the news.

"It would probably be best if you let me handle it alone…for Alli's sake."

Sav digested my response, thinking it through. "You're probably right. So I'll, um, hang out in my room till you're done. Good luck."

"Please don't make it sound like I'm headed off into battle," I plead with him, my stomach grumbling uncomfortably.

"Well, unfortunately, you never know with Alli."

It was ridiculous how true that was…

When we reached the upper level of the Bhandari's house, Sav disappeared into his room, and I paused in front of Alli's closed door. After a few deep breaths, I knocked.

"Go away, Sav. I really don't feel like talking."

"So I take it the date was a bust, huh? That's too bad because I talked to Drew today, and I actually approve of this one."

The door flew open as soon as the words left my mouth and Alli ran into me. "Clare! I can't believe you're here!" I wrapped her up in my arms and gave her the biggest squeeze I was capable of.

"Yeah, a little birdie told me you were grounded. I kinda figured something was up when you didn't call me last night to tell me every detail of the date. So, I came by to talk."

"You have no idea how happy I am to see you! I just couldn't stand to go to school today, but I've been going crazy all alone in my room."

"I can only imagine. So…let's talk." I walked into Alli's room, plopping down on her bed. My palms started to sweat, the anxiety kicking in, even though I had told myself that I wasn't going to tell Alli unless she asked about it. Not that she was going to ask about it, so I almost felt like I was using that as a lifeline. Maybe things would just be better if I get it out in the open.

No, no…Alli did look upset, and I really didn't want to be the bearer of more bad news.

Then again, she deserved to know, and I really didn't like keeping secrets from Alli- especially this one.

All of this raced through my mind before Alli even sat down next to me, settling in to tell her tale.

"Okay, so, last night was a total dream for the first hour and a half. Drew was a perfect gentleman: he picked me up from Jenna's, held open doors for me, and was generally perfect. But, just as we were ordering dessert, my parents flounce into the restaurant. Of course I'm, like, freaking out. I had told Drew about my parents before, but he didn't realize how honest I was being when I called them overbearing and controlling, so he was all nonchalant about it. I was all, 'we have to leave now'. And of course Drew was all, 'I don't want this to be over yet.' Which was adorable, let me tell you, but when Drew and I were trying to sneak out without getting caught I guess my mom saw me, and it was all downhill from there.

They found my clothes and all about Drew. Thankfully, they are still in the dark about Johnny, or they probably would have killed me. I've had all day to calm down, but earlier I felt like shit, Clare. It should be illegal for parents to make their kids feel like my parents make me feel.

This is why I am so glad I have you as a friend, Clare-bear. You're always there for me when I need you most, and I know you would never hurt me. Besides, you risked the wrath of my parents to come visit me in my time of need. I love you."

"I kissed Sav!"

I really hadn't meant to say it, but she was just making me feel so guilty- like Drew had earlier. I couldn't take it anymore, so I just…exploded. I could think of several different ways I could have delivered the news better, but now it was too late.

A million different, terrifying responses ran through my head; Alli was always known for her words…especially when she was pissed. But I was not expecting the response that I did get:

Complete and utter silence.

Alli just sat there, staring at me in disbelief, and somehow this was so much worse than anything she could have possibly said.

After the two longest minutes of my life passed, I couldn't stand the silence anymore.

"Please say something, anything."

I had thought the silence was bad, but I was not prepared to face the malice that saturated Alli's every word. "Get out of my house."

"Alli, please, we really need to talk about this. I'm sorry, but…"

"Leave," Alli screeched, cutting me off.

The tears pricked at my eyes, suddenly blurring my vision and threatening to spill. I wanted so badly to stay and talk things out with Alli, but I was afraid that if I said one more word she would bite my head off.

So, I ran out of her room, and then the Bhandari's house altogether without even saying goodbye to Sav.

Was there any good relationship that I didn't find a way to screw up?

**I know it's a shorter chapter compared to the first four, but this was a natural stopping point, so I hope no one is too disappointed. **

**I'll be sure to get the next chapter up in the next few days. **

**Thanks to everyone who is reading this; let me know what you guys are thinking. You can even yell at me for making this chapter short. =)**

**Until next time… **


	6. Forgiveness

**Hi readers. I feel like it's been a while since I've updated, when in reality it's only been a few days. However, I'm still sorry. I've had a lot of school work to do, and I had a mini case of writer's block. **

**Regardless, I am back and ready to write! So, without further ado, here is chapter 6 of Rhythm of Love! :**

When I got home my mom was nowhere to be found, and for that I was thankful. It allowed me to go to pieces without having to worry about avoiding her at the same time.

I went up to my room, closed the door, and then collapsed on my bed, letting the tears stream quietly down my face. I had not expected Alli's reaction, and somehow that made it more painful. Of course I had expected her to be upset, angry even, but I had hoped she would let me talk to her; justify my feelings. There had never been a problem that Alli and I didn't work out.

Then again, I could be overreacting. My news was probably a lot to digest on the spot like that, so if I give Alli some time I'm sure we could add this to the long list of things our friendship has survived.

Feeling slightly reassured I made my way downstairs with my homework. I set up at the kitchen table, and dove right into my assignments. After about a half hour of committed work, my phone started to buzz on the table- it was Sav calling.

"Hello," I answered, unable to fight the small smile that tugged at the corner of my lips even considering the events of the past two hours.

"Hey, I just noticed you weren't here anymore. I had figured that you were still talking to Alli, but when I went to knock on her door, Alli just screamed at me to go away. What happened?"

"I may have accidentally let it slip that we kissed, and she got upset."

"How do you accidentally let something like that slip?"

Sav didn't sound angry, just bemused. Just as I was about to launch into my explanation, though, I heard the front door open and the rustle of grocery bags signaling the return of my mom.

"Well, I would love to tell you, but my mom just walked in the door. Want to meet at The Dot in a half hour for coffee?"

"Nothing would make me happier."

I was starting to think my Sav-induced, goofy smile was going to become a permanent fixture on my face. "Okay. I'll see you then."

I hung up the phone, packed up my homework, and walked into the front room of our house. "Need help?" I asked tentatively. I was still angry at my mom, but I had a hard time not talking to her for long periods of time. Although the last few weeks had been stressful on our relationship I still loved her just as much.

"I would appreciate that; thank you."

I simply nodded and walked out the front door, grabbing the last of the grocery bags from the trunk of my mom's car. As my mom and I started to unload the bags, putting the newly purchased items away, I tried to start conversation.

"Can we talk?"

"What about, Clare?"

I flinched, the stress and anxiety evident in her voice. It was like my mom was standing at the edge of a cliff and every time I opened my mouth to speak I was driving her that much closer to falling over.

It was almost enough to make me drop my question altogether…almost. The thing was our relationship could never go back to normal until she opened up to me. We weren't just going to get passed this.

"Why didn't you tell me about dad?"

"I don't want to talk about this, dear."

"I know; you'll never want to talk about it. But that doesn't change the fact that we have to."

"Fine…just not right now. I have a lot going on, and I don't have time to talk."

"You can't just keep ignoring me, mom. I'm not going to just go away. So, let's go out to lunch on Saturday; we can talk then."

My mom deliberated for a minute, obviously not wanting to commit to anything. "I suppose that would be acceptable."

"Don't strain anything," I muttered under my breath sarcastically. Then, louder, I said, "I'm leaving now to get coffee with Sav. I'll be home in a couple hours."

My mom didn't even answer; she had retreated back into her shell where I couldn't bother her. Not that it mattered- I was going with or without her permission. So I grabbed my bag, and started walking toward The Dot.

When I got there, Sav was already waiting for me in a booth in a corner of the room. He looked up as I walked in, smiling sweetly at me.

"Hello, beautiful."

"You're too cute for your own good."

"So…is that a good thing, or a bad thing."

I thought about it for a moment. "Good, definitely good," I decided.

"In that case, thank you."

I laughed, and the waiter came over to ask us what we wanted. I simply ordered a large cup of coffee, while Sav asked for a small plate of fries and a large coffee as well. The waiter scribbled something down on his pad and walked off.

"So," Sav turned to me, "what exactly went down with Alli?"

I sighed, "Well, basically she was unknowingly making me feel guilty. Alli kept going on about how great I was to her, and that she knew she could trust me. Finally, I just snapped, blurting it out. She didn't take the news very well, but she probably just needs time. I'm going to try talking to her tomorrow after she's had a bit to cool off."

"That sounds like a good plan. I'm sorry it didn't go the way you had planned initially."

"You're apologizing to me?"

"Um, yes…?"

"I should be the one apologizing; you have to live with her. I know how Alli can be when she's upset about something. It's not pretty."

Sav cringed, unable to deny the stone, cold fact.

Our coffee arrived then, and I dove in, seriously in need of some caffeine to help me get my mind off my many problems. Of course, Sav wasn't exactly a bad distraction either.

"So, how are things at home, Clare-bear?" Then again…

"Well…you know how my mom and I weren't talking?" Sav nodded, so I continued, "I decided to try again; get her to talk, but she shutdown again. So I'm forcing her to lunch with me on Saturday so she can't run away from me, or ignore me."

"Why not tomorrow? I mean, the sooner the better, right?"

"Oh, because I already have plans tomorrow night," I told him coyly.

His forehead wrinkled up in confusion, "with whom?"

"I remember promising someone very special to me a date ten times more romantic than reading poetry in the kid's section of the bookstore."

"Date…hmm, that sounds serious. Who's the lucky guy?"

"He's this really sweet kid. You might know him; his name's Sav."

"I think I have heard of him once or twice; how did he get to be with an amazing girl like you?"

"It turns out he's a _really_ good kisser."

Sav dropped the act, a sly smile crossing his face. "You really think so?"

"Yeah, I do. But I'm also not a fan of large public displays of affection, so stop looking at me like that."

Sav laughed, reaching across the table to place his large hand over mine making my heart rate speed up just slightly. Our gazes met and held, and suddenly I didn't have a care in the world. The only people that existed were Sav and me, and I couldn't believe how lucky I really was that this amazing, caring, darling boy felt the same way about me that I did about him.

Suddenly, though, Sav's face changed from an expression that looked very similar to the one that was probably on my face to a look of worry.

"Wait, you don't only like me because I'm a good kisser, right?"

I rolled my eyes. "Sav, do you really even have to ask that? This is me we're talking about, remember? That stuff hardly matters to me at all; it's just icing on the cake that you are…" I couldn't help the blush that had risen to my cheeks.

Sav smiled, reassured. "So, what are we doing Friday night?"

"Just come by my house at seven; you'll see."

Sav and I spent the rest of our evening together in the booth at The Dot. We talked about a lot of things. I realized that even though I had known Sav for so many years…I had never really _known_ him. I knew he was in a band, but I didn't know he wrote his own music. I knew he liked Dead Hand, but I didn't know he listened to just about anything he could get his hands on. I knew Sav was smart, but I had no idea how much time and effort he put in to really keep his grades perfect; how much he cared. And that was just the beginning of it. There was so much I still didn't know about him, but I couldn't wait to learn it all.

I wanted to know everything about him, and, more importantly, I wanted to tell him everything about myself.

Finally, after the sun had set, I realized I couldn't put my homework off any longer. "I have had so much fun, and I'd love to stay longer, but I have a lot of homework that isn't going to do itself."

"Yeah, homework tends to be funny in that regard."

I stuck my tongue out at him, sliding out of the booth and stretching. I had been so enthralled by our conversation that I hadn't noticed how desperately my joints needed to move; I was so cramped.

"Can I at least walk you home?"

"That's silly; it's completely out of your way."

"I think I can manage. Besides, you're worth it, Clare." Another blush bloomed on my cheeks, and the Sav smile pulled the corners of my mouth upward.

Sav held the door open for me, and then we fell into step with each other, headed in the direction of my house. I felt Sav's hand slip into mine, instantly warming my hand on my heart alike. I was turning into such a sap; into those girls who I used to despise because they weren't self-sufficient. Not that I was all of a sudden codependent on Sav, but I realized I could easily transfer into a state of codependence.

I started mentally; I was going to have to slow myself down. Sav was a great guy, and our relationship was amazingly easy and natural, but he still wasn't over Anya. I could tell he really liked me, but I couldn't let myself become too vulnerable or I would end up crushed. I knew from experience, and I really didn't want a repeat of last year.

I was so lost in thought that I almost didn't notice when we arrived at my house. Sav stopped, and if we hadn't been holding hands, I would have kept walking.

"Whoa there, where are you going?"

I blushed, "Oh, I…whoops."

"I see…Anyway, good luck with homework. I'll see you tomorrow."

Sav leaned in, placing a light kiss on my forehead, and then turned to walk back in the other direction. I watched him for a moment, his tall, dark frame almost blending in to the ever-increasing darkness.

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. I could still feel Sav's lips pressed lightly against my forehead. No matter how many insecurities I gained, Sav proved to me again and again that he was worth it.

XXX

The next morning I woke up, showered, and came downstairs to find my mom sitting at the kitchen table. She slid a cup of coffee across the table to me.

"Late night last night?"

"What do you mean?" I asked her, gratefully accepting the warm mug.

"I don't sleep very well anymore, and I heard you rustling around in your until about three."

"Oh, yeah, I did some homework…and some writing. I couldn't really sleep either."

"I'm sorry to hear that, sweetie. So, who was it that you went out with last night?"

This sudden change in attitude from my mom was unexpected. I could tell she was really trying to make an effort to put our relationship back together, so I decided to reciprocate.

"Sav Bhandari…we're kind of…together, I guess." I blushed. It had been a while since my mom and I had talked about anything boy related, and I was almost awkward to bring it up now.

"Sav, as in, Alli's older brother Sav?" I nodded. "How does she feel about this?"

"We're, um, still working things out."

"Oh, okay."

By the face my mother was making I could tell she was confused. I didn't blame her; the last she knew Sav was just the boy who drove Alli and me around to most places. She hadn't really ever met him, but she did know about him.

"Well, I really would love to stay and talk more, but I have to get going. I love you mom; I'll see you after school."

"I love you, too, sweetie. I really, really do."

I had been starting to wonder if I would ever be able to discuss my dad with my mom, even if I did corner her for lunch tomorrow, but things were looking up. My mom just obviously needed to take things slow. As long as she stopped shutting me out completely, I could handle that.

When I got to school, Sav was waiting for me by the bike racks.

"Good morning."

"Hi, Sav," I greeted him, and then surveyed the courtyard for Alli because if Sav was here, that meant Alli was somewhere close by. When I didn't spot her, I turned to Sav. "How was the ride to school this morning?"

"Chilly."

I nodded, expecting this answer, but I was still hoping Alli and I could talk sometime today before Sav's and my first date.

Sav walked me to class, wishing me luck because it was one of the many classes I had with Alli, and then took off for his own, promising to see me at lunch.

I sat down in my usually seat next to Alli, and I instantly understood what Sav meant by 'chilly.' Who knew the expression 'cold shoulder' could be so accurate?

And so passed the rest of my morning classes: I tried not to be bothered by Alli's scorn, but it got more intense with every passing class. I knew I deserved it, but I really just wanted to talk things out. We were best friends; nothing was ever going to come between us.

When lunch rolled around I sat down at Alli's and my usual table, and pulled out Kite Runner, the book I was currently reading, and dove right in, not really hungry anymore.

"You lied to me."

I had only gotten through a few pages before the voice interpreted me. I looked up, seeing Alli glaring down at me, hands on her hips.

I gave her a quizzical look. "Huh?"

"I specifically asked you when you told me you and Sav were hanging out Tuesday night if you were just friends. You told me you were. You lied to me."

I knew she was still angry, but I couldn't help the relief I felt that she was actually talking to me about this.

"Alli, technically I didn't lie. I had no idea, or at least I was doing a very good job at ignoring the fact that, I had feelings for Sav. It wasn't until we kissed that I couldn't ignore them anymore."

"Ew, Clare, please try to remember that this is my brother you're talking about. And whatever happened to that 'I'm giving up boys' attitude? I'm starting to like that idea more and more."

"I know he's your brother! You don't think I've been sick with guilt every time that fact pushes its way to the front of my mind? I know this sucks for you, and I wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea of betraying you like this, but I do really like him…I never asked for this to happen. It just did."

"Well I wish it didn't."

"If you're completely adverse to the idea, Sav and I don't have to date. Your friendship means the world to me, Alli. I can't lose you because of this."

"Yeah, but you can't break up with Sav either. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I am not happy with the idea. At all. I want to make sure we're clear on that. But since you guys have already started this thing there's no point in stopping now. It's just going to suck a whole lot if one of you gets hurt because I'll be stuck in the middle."

"I'm so sorry, Alli."

"Yeah, fine, I forgive you. But I don't want to hear any of the details, please. I don't think I can handle that. Maybe one day I'll get more comfortable with this, but for right now you're walking on thin ice, Edwards."

"That's actually a lot more from you than I expected. Thank you so much. I love you, Alli!"

"For some strange reason, I love you, too, Clare-bear." And with that, she smiled at me. It was a small, tentative smile, but I knew the worst was over.

It was a miracle that all these people in my life were so understanding. I really did have the most amazing friends. I got up from my seat to wrap Alli up in the biggest hug I could manage. She returned the squeeze with less enthusiasm, but I could tell she would come around eventually.

"Is it safe to assume that the storm has passed?"

Alli and I broke apart so we could turn to Sav, who was sitting down at the table next to my stuff.

I joined him, and Alli sat down across from us.

"This is just so weird," she asserted, her eyes darting back and forth between Sav and me.

"Nobody said you had to sit here," Sav pointed out, and Alli stuck her tongue out at him.

"That's not fair; this is normally Alli's and my table- you're the odd one out."

"I can leave if that's what you want."

"I would never want that."

Alli made a gagging noise, and we both turned to give her a pointed look; if anyone was going to turn Sav away it was going to be her. And no matter her decision we would respect it; I'm sure Sav knew as well as I did how hard this was on Alli.

After a moment of deliberation Alli rolled her eyes, "Fine, you can stay. I might as well start getting used to this as soon as possible."

"Thanks, Alli," Sav and I said in unison.

"But if that happens again I'm out of here…that was creepy."

For the rest of lunch Sav and I tried our hardest not to be so disturbingly couple-like. It was, surprisingly, not that difficult if only because we were doing it for Alli. She even started to relax toward the end; obviously growing more comfortable with the slightly rearranged dynamic.

Alli's new found forgiveness made our afternoon classes together so much easier to concentrate in. She was no longer treating me like a pariah, and we even partnered up for a lab in Biology.

At the end of the day Alli met me at my locker. "I wish I wasn't grounded; we could totally hang out."

"Well, not exactly, I kind of have plans already."

Alli looked confused. She knew aside from her I didn't have any close friends. "You have plans on a Friday night…that don't involve a book and your fireplace?"

"Sav and I are having our first date," I told her, blushing.

"Oh…well, have fun."

I could tell she was trying really hard to sound sincere, and it meant a lot to me. I was going to be able to enjoy the date a lot more knowing that I had Alli's blessing.

"Thanks, Alli. I have to get home, though. I've got a lot of planning to do."

"Really? What are you guys doing?"

"It's a surprise, actually. And, no offense Alli, but if I tell you it will definitely get back to Sav."

"Yeah, it probably would."

I smiled at her, and she smiled back.

"Okay, well, I'll try and get in contact with you sometime this weekend, but if not I'll see you Monday."

"Okay. Bye, Clare."

I hoisted my bag up higher on my shoulder, and started off toward home.

I had to put the final touches on my plan; Sav was in for a great night.

**Okay, I just wanted to get this update in before I have to disappear again for a few days. I have a paper to write for one of my classes, and I'll be going into tech week for the show I'm in, so I will update as much as possible, but I don't know how often that will actually be. **

**When I get back, though, you'll have a fun-filled first date! Excited? I know I am. =)**

**Until then, let me know how this chapter rates! Pretty please? **

**Thanks for reading!**


	7. Date Night

**It's the moment you've all been waiting for! Teehee, probably not, but it's here anyway- another chapter!**

**The story is kind of, sort of wrapping up a bit. I mean, we're looking at 3-4 more chapters…approximately. Just saying. **

**Anyway, here starts a new chapter! :**

I walked into my house and was immediately submerged in the warmth only the oven can produce. The kind that has a distinct smell: a special mix of heat, butter, and love.

I missed this smell so much; I felt like decades since our house had last smelled this amazing.

Sure enough, when I walked into the kitchen I found my mom rolling cookie dough into balls, and spotted the tray of chocolate chip cookies already sitting on the cooling rack.

"Hi, mom! How was your day?"

"Fairly productive- I cleaned all the bathrooms, vacuumed the house, and had a strange craving for some homemade cookies."

"I'm glad," I told her earnestly, taking a large bite of a warm, gooey cookie. It tasted like heaven. "Why the sudden need to clean?"

"I realized you were right. I was hiding things from you because I was scared. I put my life on hold and that unacceptable. So I decided to be a better mother again."

"You were never a bad mom…but let's talk about this more tomorrow at lunch. I have a favor to ask of you."

"What's that, dear?" My mom asked as she slid another tray of cookies into the oven.

"I was kind of wondering if I could have the house for the night. I'm not asking you to leave, just hide out upstairs. I'm, um, having Sav over for our first date…"

"Do I get to meet Sav if I let you have the lower level to yourself for the night?"

"Mom, you've met him before," I said, unable to keep the low whine out of my voice.

"Yes, but never as your boyfriend. I've never been properly introduced, so how am I supposed to know if I can trust him alone with my daughter."

"Because your daughter is more than capable of handling herself." My mom leveled me with a strict stare until my will power crumpled. I mean, it wasn't like she was asking for a whole lot anyway. "Fine, you can meet him."

"Then I will happily allow you two to have some privacy."

"Thank you," I walked over to envelop my mom in a firm hug. Fleetingly, I made note of the fact that my mom seemed tinier than normal, fragile.

"So what are you planning to do for this date?"

"Actually, I'm going to cook him dinner, so I need to go out and get a few supplies before he gets here. Do you mind?"

"Not at all, sweetie. By the time you get back the cookies should be done, and the kitchen is all yours."

I kissed her on the cheek, and slipped back out the front door. I had decided to make seasoned, grilled chicken, steamed asparagus, and garlic potatoes for Sav. I wasn't a bad cook, but I certainly wasn't amazing wither, so this was going to be a challenge.

Since Sav and I had, the first few times we've hung out, done some fun, outlandish activities I decided that our first date should be a quiet, relaxed hang out. We could just kick back and talk. There would be candles, soft music…the whole bit. It wasn't extravagant, but it was kind of perfect for Sav and me.

I hoped he thought so, too.

Grocery shopping was a mind-numbing, simple task, so, as I dutifully picked out the ingredients I would need, I let my mind wander back to my mother.

Since she had done a complete 360, and didn't seem to show any signs of another quick regression, I hoped our lunch would prove really helpful for both of us. There was just so much we had to talk about- why she had lied, how this was going to affect us individually, what changes we were going to have to make. I got dizzy just thinking about it, but I was glad that I had my mom on my side. We could get through just about anything as long as we're together, and I would be damned if I let my mom sulk around any longer.

Thinking about my mom led me right to thoughts of my dad. I realized I hadn't thought much of him in the last few days, and I was kind of ashamed.

Suddenly, heat rose to my face as I noticed my dad hadn't tried to talk to me even once since the disastrous dinner on Wednesday. That couldn't be right, could it? Maybe I had missed his call; he would at least check to see how I was adjusting to him not being home, right? I made a mental note to call him tomorrow sometime.

By the time all these thoughts had passed through my head I was checking out. I quickly paid the cashier, and started the short walk back home, my bags in hand.

As promised, my mom was out of the kitchen by the time I got home, so I dove right into my preparations. It was easy to get lost in the task of cooking. It was fun, relaxing, and before I knew it seven 'o' clock had rolled around. Just as I was finished making dinner there was a knock at the front door.

"I'll get it!" I called to my mom. I wanted to warn Sav about meeting my mom before he was actually subjected to her. "You have impeccable timing," I complimented him as I swung the door open.

"Why thank you. But I can't really take credit; I just showed up when you told me to."

"Exactly- I like punctuality. And I just finished making you dinner. Welcome home, honey."

Before Sav had the chance to react to what I said, or I had the chance to prepare him for my mother, she appeared out of nowhere, extending her hand.

"I don't think we've ever been properly acquainted."

I smacked the heel of my palm against my forehead; she was going to make this awkward. I could just feel it.

However, Sav handled the entire thing with ease, smoothly giving her hand a firm shake. "Hello, Mrs. Edwards. I'm Sav, Alli's older brother. Clare and Alli talk so highly of you; it's a pleasure to finally meet you!" Sincerity rang out in his voice, and I couldn't help but smile. This was just another reason to adore Sav. He was scoring some serious points with my mom and me.

"Hi, Sav. It's a pleasure to meet you as well. I understand Clare has planned out a lovely evening for the two of you. So, I'll be upstairs. Have fun you two."

As my mom backed up the stairs, she mouthed to me 'I like him; he's a keeper.'

I rolled my eyes, but a light blush crept onto my face.

Sav noticed. "Did I miss something?"

"Not at all. Anyway, welcome to the Casa de Edwards. On the menu tonight is chicken, garlic potatoes, and asparagus. Does that suit your fancy?"

"Wait, you seriously cooked dinner for me?"

"Why do you sound so surprised?"

"Well…I don't know. That's kind of awesome. You get the best girlfriend ever award."

"You haven't eaten it yet; don't jump the gun."

"If your pancakes were any indication, I assure you that you get the award. Heck, even if the food sucks you get the award. It's the thought that counts, remember?"

"Fair enough; I gladly accept. Now, are you hungry? Because I'm kind of starving."

"Ravished."

With that, I lead him to the dining room, where I had set the table, and lit two candles. Sav let out a low whistle, and crossed to pull out a chair for me.

"I'm supposed to be running this show," I chastised him with a fond smile, pulling out a chair so that he could sit.

After a moment of deliberation, Sav decided not to put up a fight that he would most certainly lose, and plopped down in the char I was holding for him. With a quick ruffle of his hair I disappeared into the kitchen to bring the food out. After everything was in order I sat down next to Sav, and we both started dishing out our own food.

"It smells delicious," Sav complimented, inhaling deeply. And that was the last we spoke for a while as we both started to eat. I didn't mind the silence; in most ways that's the biggest compliment you can give a chef. Not to mention, I was really enjoying the look on Sav's face every time he took a bite. Obviously, he was really enjoying the food, and that only made my meal a million times better. Isn't there some old saying: it's not always the food you're eating, but the company you're in….?

After we had both stuffed ourselves with food, I started to clean. Sav, always the gentleman, simply refused to sit and watch me do all the work, so he aided me in the washing of dishes. Predictably, this resulted in a water and dish soap fight. Apparently we had gotten a little carried away, because my mom yelled from the top of the stairs that we had better not be making a mess, and that put an end to our fun.

With everything clean, I arranged some of my mom's cookies on a plate, and Sav and I moved ourselves to the living room couch. It was perfect; tiny, tea-light candles were lit all around the room, and I had music playing softly in the background.

"I'm touched by how much work you put into this evening. It's simple, yet elegant; exactly what I needed."

"I'm glad to hear that," I said sincerely, snuggling closer to Sav's side. His arm was wrapped tightly around me, and my head was fit perfectly into the crook of his neck. I inhaled his rich aroma, and thought to myself I had never been more content in my life. It was like nothing bad could possibly reach me while I was here, wrapped in Sav's strong arms.

"Want to dance?" Sav whispered in my ear.

I laughed, but Sav only stood up, pulling me with him.

"You're serious?"

"You do have music playing. Why not?"

"Well, I'm not exactly coordinated."

"And I'm tall and awkward. It's just us; nothing to worry about."

I nodded, stepping into the circle of his arms. We began to slowly sway back and forth to the low music- his arms wrapped around my waist, my head resting on his chest.

"What's your favorite color?"

"Blue," Sav responded, not missing a beat. "Ice blue; like the color of your eyes."

"Cheese alert," I joked, but a pleased blush rose to my cheeks. "Now you ask a question."

"Are we playing twenty questions, or something?"

"Is that your question?"

"No…what's your biggest fear?"

"That I won't be able to stop my family from falling apart completely."

"Clare, that's not your responsibility."

"If I don't, who will? Certainly not my parents. Besides, you asked, I answered. It's my turn."

Sav laughed indulgently. "Fine, go ahead."

"What's your favorite childhood memory?"

"I was in sixth grade; Alli was in fourth. It was before all the arranged marriage, engineering, and high expectations. We were at a carnival, and Alli and I had gone off on our own to play games. Somehow Alli got away from me, and I started freaking out because I couldn't find her or either of my parents. For a fleeting moment I felt like I was completely alone in the world, but then my parents, followed by Alli and a police officer, came rushing up to me. Turns out I hadn't really lost track of Alli, but the other way around. My parents were gushing over how worried they were, and I realized for the first time that I was never alone in the world; there would always be someone there to care enough to look for me."

"I would go to the ends of the Earth to find you if you were ever lost," I whispered truthfully. Sav was starting to mean so much to me; more than I had ever expected him to. It was almost like I was falling in love with him…

"Believe me; I won't be going anywhere unless it's with you by my side."

"It's your turn," I urged, trying to redirect my attention. I didn't want to think about love; it was far too serious. Sav and I hadn't even been together for a week. Then again, I had known him for a few years now; maybe it wasn't such a crazy notion.

"Have you ever written anything about me in your journal?"

"No. Before, when I was too scared to admit my feelings to myself, I wouldn't let myself express the feelings even on paper. Somehow that would make them real, you know? Did you steal a page with emotions written all over it from my journal?"

I looked up in time to see Sav blush a deep shade of red, almost purple. "Yes."

"Why?"

"Hey now, one question per turn!"

"Fine, go ahead, then. You may ask your next question."

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"I really like to write. If at all possible, I want to make a career of that."

"I think you could do it; you're really talented, Clare."

"Thanks, but you might be a little biased."

"So, why did you steal that page from my journal?"

"I really should have seen the coming."

"Sav, just answer the question."

"I wanted to keep the entry because it embodies everything great about you, Clare. It shows your passion for what you love to do, your awareness of other people's needs and thoughts, your sensitivity to all human emotion, your creativity. The way you took care to write each word in a different font…it was beautiful- just like you. I can give it back if you'd like."

"No, I really want you to keep it; I was just wondering why you wanted it in the first place. To be honest, when the first suspicions that you took it crept into my mind…I was flattered."

Sav laughed, and I could hear the rumblings reverberate through his chest. "I'm relieved to hear that, actually. Next question- Do you ever get tired of being Saint Clare?"

"Is it my favorite nickname? No, not at all. But I'd rather be known as a saint then as a school slut."

Sav was shaking his head. "No, Clare, that's not what I meant- does it ever get hard trying to be perfect; to continue being a saint even when you want to break down and scream?"

"Sav, I'm far from perfect."

"Realistically, yes; but sometimes you seem scary close."

I thought about what he was saying. I suppose I did expect a lot more from myself than your average high school student, but I had always accredited that to my maturity.

"Yes," I finally admitted, saying the words out loud for the first time, "it's exhausting."

"So why bother?"

"I thought we only got to ask one question per round."

"Clare, come on, I really want to understand you."

How could I possibly deny him that? I wanted him to understand me, too. I wanted to understand him.

"I'm terrified of letting people down. At first it was just a product of my upbringing; like a habit impossible to break. But then everyone started expecting perfection from me- perfect grades, perfect behavior, perfect life. And I can't bear to give them anything less."

Sav looked down, meeting my eye; he looked at me as if seeing me for the first time, or in a new light.

"But that's not what really matters, right; what they expect from you. The only important thing is your happiness."

"I hope you realize the ironic nature of your statement."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, what about you, huh? Are you ever going to stand up to your parents- tell them about us, tell them you want to be a musician, refuse to let them run your life any longer?" And, yes, that is my question. It's long past my turn."

"I want to; I really do. But I have the same dilemma that you do- I can't bear to let them down."

"Fine, let's make a pact. I'll help you stand up to your parents, you help me stop pleasing everyone before myself, and then we can be happy together."

"That sounds wonderful…in theory."

"There's no reason we can't make it happen…as long as we have each other."

"I guess we'll just have to see how everything plays out."

We fell silent for a few moments, still slowly swaying with the soft music. Finally, I spoke up again. "How long did you like me…you know, more than a friend?"

"Isn't it technically my turn?"

"Yes. Oh, look, you asked a question and I answered it. Now, answer mine."

"You, miss, are too cunning. I'm going to have to start exercising my mind to keep up."

"Sav, you're stalling."

"There you go again; sharp as a tack."

"Sav!"

"Fine; since this summer. I mean, I always noticed you were a gorgeous girl, but I never really knew you well enough to think of you as anything other than my little sister's best friend. But then you started to open up; talk to me more. I realized how truly amazing you were, but I was still hung up on Anya. So, it wasn't until our breakup was official that I started to think about you as something more."

I nodded, blushing. I really didn't want to ask the next question that bubbled to my lips, but I needed to hear Sav's answer. "Are you still in love with Anya?"

"This is becoming a very one sided game."

"I just want to know."

"Honestly, no, I'm not still _in_ love with her. I do still love her, though. I think I always will. It's just…hard."

I nodded, unable to stop my heart from plummeting into my stomach. Of course, I had expected his response, but it still hurt a little bit.

"Can I have a turn now?"

"Shoot."

"Could you see yourself falling in love with me?"

The heat immediately rushed to my face, and I felt my pulse quicken. I knew the answer; I had been thinking about it earlier.

"Yes, I could."

"Good, we're on the same page, then."

I looked up at him again, and Sav cupped my face in his hands. He leaned in slowly, but once our lips met it was like I was kissing him for the first time. This kiss was not questioning or tentative like the first one we had shared. It was hungry, passionate. It made me go weak at the knees.

It was perfect.

And then Sav's phone started to ring.

He broke the kiss, slowly pulling away, and checked his phone. A shadow immediately fell over his face, but he answered instantly.

Still a little light headed, I sank down in the couch, watching as Sav paced back and forth.

"Hello?...Is everything okay?...Well, do you want me to come over?"

Huh? Sav was going to leave me? But this was our first date.

"Yeah, I can be there in a few…hang in there, okay? Bye, Anya."

I froze up as soon as I heard the name. Sav turned to me, apologies written all over his face. "Clare, I'm so sorry, but something's wrong with Anya. She's sobbing, and she asked me to come over. I'm going to go see what's wrong. I'll call you later. Thanks for tonight; it was perfect."

With a short kiss to my forehead he was out the door before I had the chance to protest. It was funny…I had been thinking the word 'perfect' the entire night until now.

I could not think of a worse ending to an almost perfect evening.

I dropped my head into my hands as confused tears slid silently down my cheeks.

**Like it? Hate it? Let me know. I'll have the new chapter up as soon as I possibly can. Sorry for the long wait, guys. **

**I love you all; thanks for reading!**


	8. An End

**Okay, this is the last chapter. I know when I posted last I said there would probably be 3-4 more, but I decided instead to just post a super long chapter that concludes the story. **

**I'm really going to miss this story. I have officially fallen in love with Clare and Sav as a couple, and perhaps I'll end up doing an epilogue or sequel of some sort. I really don't want to give them up, but this particular story is definitely reached its ending. **

**Anyway, after reading, let me know how you feel about the ending, and also whether or not you're feeling an epilogue/sequel.**

**Thank you to all of you who have read the story; you're all really kind and I love you. =)**

**Okay, no more delays. Chapter 8- commence: **

After showering and lying in bed for a few hours I was still unable to wrap my head around what had happened exactly. I mean, technically I was very much aware of everything that had occurred: twenty questions with Sav, talking about love, that kiss, and…Anya. But after that I couldn't figure out how I felt, where that left Sav and me, or what in the world Sav was thinking.

After realizing that I was not going to be getting any sleep whatsoever I grabbed my laptop off the ground and powered it up. I sat staring at the blank screen for a few minutes, willing my brain to relent just long enough for me to sleep, but it didn't happen. Instead, I logged on to FaceRange.

I didn't really use social networking sites all that often; if people wanted to talk to me they probably had my phone number. But in cases like tonight, when sleeping was an impossibility, I was happy to have a tawdry distraction.

As I was scrolling through the news feed, though, I came across a post from Anya: _Thank you Sav Bhandari. I know our relationship didn't end on great terms, but it's nice to know I can always count on you to be here for me._

My heart plummeted into my stomach, and I immediately snapped the computer off. So much for a distraction; I was only feeling worse now.

I collapsed against my pillows, considering another visit to my friend Mr. Cough Syrup, when my phone started buzzing on my bedside table- Sav.

"What," I snapped quietly, deciding to answer.

"I thought I might find you awake. Are you mad?"

"I know you're smarter than that, Sav."

"Okay, look Clare, you have every right to be upset, but I have a good reason for leaving."

"I get it, Sav. Anya was your first love, and you still want to be with her. It's fine. I'll get over it, or whatever."

"What? Clare, no; you're not being fair. I…"

"I'm not being fair?" I screeched, forgetting for a moment that it was three in the morning, and I needed to stay quiet. I lowered my voice and continued. "I'm not the one that walked out on our first date to see my ex. The one that you just got done telling me you would never stop loving."

"Do you remember what I said after that? I'm falling in love with _you_, Clare. And Anya's mom has cancer. She didn't know who to call, and I was the first person who came to mind. Don't tell me that if K.C. called you in tears that you wouldn't go find him right away to help."

"I wouldn't," I said stubbornly, although I probably would have. Sav leaving had hurt my feelings, and I wasn't exactly in the mood to be understanding or tolerant. "And I'm sorry to hear about Anya's mom, I really am, but I don't think I can just look past this, Sav. We rushed into this before we were ready. We need to cool off, Sav; I need to take a break."

"Clare, no, we can work…"

"Sav, please. I just need some time to think, okay?"

A long silence stretched out between us. Finally, in a small, defeated voice, Sav responded. "Fine. But this isn't permanent, Clare. I refuse to give up on you this easy."

I deflated. Suddenly I was more tired than I ever had been in my entire life. I needed to sleep; my brain was shutting down slowly. "Goodnight, Sav."

I hung up, and a few traitor tears slid down my cheeks. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and snuggled down into my sheets. I fell asleep almost instantly.

XXX

"Clare, honey, wake up. I know you love Panera Bread so I thought we could go there to talk, but if you sleep any longer it won't be a lunch date."

I groaned, but sat up slowly in bed. '_Don't think about it_,' I commanded myself, trying to focus on anything but what had happened the night before. '_You can get through anything as long as you don't think about you know who._' All I had dreamed about the night before was those warm chocolate brown eyes. That beautiful smile…this was not going to be easy, but I really just needed some space. In the long run it would be the best for the both of us

My mom was already dressed and she had a cheery smile plastered on her face. "That's my girl. Hurry up; I'll meet you downstairs in twenty minutes."

"Someone took their happy pills this morning," I grumbled under my breath, walking toward the bathroom.

I quickly got ready, not wanting to keep my mom waiting. When I looked in the mirror, though, I was distracted. The girl on the other side of the glass looked foreign, broken. Not that I had any reason to be so upset Sav and I were taking a break; this was not permanent. Besides, I was the one who requested this; forced it upon Sav, really.

I cringed. I wasn't supposed to be thinking about him or the situation. Today was all about my mom and me, and later I would call my dad. There was so much that needed to be worked out, but thanks to the game of twenty questions I was determined to not be Saint Clare in this scenario. It wasn't going to be my job to pick up the pieces, make sure they could be put back together. I wasn't perfect and it was about time my parents stopped expecting me to be.

I grabbed my purse and trudged down the stairs. Whatever happens…happens. I couldn't control it all, and it shouldn't be my responsibility to. The thought was liberating.

"Ready to go?" my mom asked cheerfully.

"As ready as I'll ever be."

My mom nodded as if she understood completely, and held the front door open for me. As I passed her, I grabbed her free hand and gave it a quick squeeze. She squeezed back with equal pressure, and we got into the car.

My mom was nervous. I doubt even a stranger would be able to miss the way she fidgeted the entire ride to Panera, or the way she jumped whenever I made the tiniest of side comments. I knew she wasn't looking forward to talking about this, but we really needed to face it together. I didn't even know where to start, but I knew that once we did both of us would feel better.

Once we had finally ordered and sat down at a table I let my mom enjoy her meal before I spoke up. "Why did you lie to me?"

My mom choked just the slightest bit on her soup. "Because I didn't want to believe what was happening myself…"

I nodded; that was fair enough I supposed. "Okay, I get that, but why would you try to convince me that _nothing_ was wrong even when I heard you and dad fighting all the time?"

"Clare, sweetie, if I had told you right away about your father's and my problems you would have tried to fix something that was broken beyond repair. That's just your nature; you want to control everything."

"I really don't, though."

"Don't what?"

"I don't want to control everything! Mom, I take control because no one else does, but that really shouldn't be my job. You just expect it from me, though, and I can't give you anything less. It's not fair. I'm fifteen years old, and you wouldn't tell me that you and dad were having marital problems because you expected me to try and swoop in to fix everything. Does that not sound crazy to you; messed up in the least?"

Mom paused for a moment, tears suddenly filling her eyes. "Oh, Clare. I never realized we were putting so much pressure on you. I'm so sorry."

"Mommy…don't cry. We can work through this together- you just have to start talking to me. And you can't expect me to fix your problems. That's all up to you and dad."

"I don't know if our problems can be fixed."

"So…are you getting a divorce now; it's official?"

"I think that might be for the best. Your dad and I…we're just not in love anymore. We can't keep pretending; it hurts too much."

It hurt a little to hear this, but less than I had expected. We were a strong family, but I no longer felt like keeping us together was going to be my job alone. We could work together. Divorce didn't automatically mean none of us could be happy anymore, and it didn't make my parents any less my family. Dysfunctional as they were…they were still mine.

"So…do you need me to get a job…or…"

"Clare your only job is to go to school and try to be happy. I've already applied to several receptionist jobs in the area, and your father and I will work out all the technicalities. You're right, you're only fifteen, and I want you to stop trying to act like you're not. Your father and I are adults; we'll handle everything."

Even though it was everything I had just told her, it felt so much better to hear my mom reinforce the fact that this wasn't my job. I was allowed to just be a kid. I sighed, letting all my stress and worry leave my body.

I smiled at my mom and she returned it without hesitation. I could see the stress on her face- she was tired and emotionally drained, but she was strong and she would get through this. _We_ would get through this. I reached across the table, and my mom's hand met mine in the middle, latching onto each other as we finished our lunches in reassured silence.

XXX

When we got home I gave my mom a firm hug. "Thanks for going with me today, mom. I know you really didn't want to talk about all of that."

"You're my daughter and all you wanted from me was to talk about something I should have told you about from the beginning- I hardly think a thanks is in order."

"I love you."

"I love you, too, Clare-bear. You're the best daughter a mother could ask for."

I laughed, heading for the stairs. "I don't know about that," I called down to her as I walked up to my room.

I threw my purse on the ground next to my bed after extracting my phone. Now it was time to call my dad. When I flipped the phone open, though, I had a single text message waiting for me…from Sav.

It read: "I hope lunch with your mom was productive. Call me later?"

Tears sprung to my eyes; he remembered the lunch. I was flattered, and I wanted nothing more than to call him that instant, but I couldn't. I needed my time to think; to figure out if I could really handle a relationship with him. I needed space, but he was making it so damn hard. Why did he have to be so genuinely sweet?

I exited out of the text, deciding to ignore it for the time being, and dialed my dad's cell number.

I didn't have to wait long for him to answer. "Clare-bear! How are things without your old man at home?"

He sounded more relaxed than I had heard him for months. Obviously moving out had been beneficial for him.

"Hey, Dad; I've missed you. I was actually wondering if I could come visit you…I think we should talk."

Without a moment's hesitation he gave me the address. I promptly entered it into my computer, directions popping up. I promised my dad I would see him soon, and then printed out the directions. It wasn't far- 5 minutes by car meant approximately 15 minutes on my bike.

I found my mom in the living room folding a load of laundry and watching the news.

"Hey, mom, I'm going to go visit Dad. I figured since our talk went so well this morning I should probably talk to him, too."

"Oh, okay. Do you need a ride over there?"

"I think I'll just ride my bike; thanks though."

She nodded, smiling fondly at me. "I'm proud of you sweetie…for speaking up. But don't wear yourself out, oaky.

I laughed, shaking off her concern. I was beyond wearing myself out between my mom and Sav, but I had to talk to my dad. There would be no sense putting it off.

"I'll try my best," I assured her before I took off.

The ride to my dad's new apartment, as I had expected, took me about fifteen minutes. That gave me enough time to gather and prepare myself; there was a lot that needed to be said, and I wanted to have it all in order before I got there. I wanted to know why he hadn't called me, why he hadn't told me about Mom's and his relationship issues, and what his take was on what would happen now.

I chained my bike to the rack outside my dad's building, and just as I was finishing up my Dad burst out the door.

"Hi, Dad," I greeted him. I was extremely happy to see him, and my elation caught me off guard for a moment. I hadn't realized how much I missed having my dad at home.

Instead of answering me, my dad walked right up to me to engulf me in a big bear hug. I immediately latched onto him, returning the pressure. I could not remember the last time he gave me one of these hugs.

"Let's go upstairs, Clare-bear. We can talk up there."

I nodded, smiling at him. He just seemed so happy.

His apartment was small, but it seemed to have everything he needed, so it gave off a cozy feeling rather than a claustrophobic one. I made my way to the tiny, tattered couch and settled in.

"Nice place you got here."

"Isn't it though?" my dad beamed, setting himself down in the easy-chair across from me.

"Why haven't you called me, Dad?"

I could tell he was caught off guard, the smile slipped off his face, but I couldn't hold off my questions anymore.

"You're going to hate me when I tell you."

"I think I can handle it; please just talk to me."

"I was selfish, Clare-bear. I didn't want to call you because I was afraid you would be angry at me, yell at me for leaving, and accuse me of letting you down. I couldn't hear you say those things, though. You're mother had already said them all, but I wouldn't be able to handle it if it came from the most important girl in my life. So I waited for you to come to me, hoping that by the time you called you wouldn't be mad anymore."

"How did it feel…the waiting, I mean?"

"I felt like a coward, but I couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone."

"Why not?"

He didn't answer my question right away. "You know, I went to see a therapist. It was just one session so far, but I already feel like I know myself so much better. When your mom and I were together I was unhappy, so I compensated by yelling all the time- making the other people in my life unhappy with me. I love your mom, Clare, but we have grown apart. We want different things for our lives, and it's just so much better when we're not together. It's going to be hard for all of us, but I think this split is for the best."

I nodded, taking it all in. I could already see that my dad was right- being apart really had done both him and my mother good. However, I couldn't help being a little angry at him for not calling me; wanting to talk sooner.

"So what is it going to take to make you less cowardly?" I finally asked him.

He frowned, "I'm working on it, Clare. And I promise to call you every day from now until forever. Your mom and I have discussed some things, and we're thinking she'll get full custody. That way you can stay at Degrassi, and you won't be moving back and forth, but I'll still get visitation rights. Which means you can spend weekends with me, and my door will always be open for you."

I hadn't even thought about custody until my dad brought it up, but I was happy to hear that they weren't going to make me go between the two of them every week. This was starting to sound like it would actually work out for the best for everyone involved. A small smile spread across my lips.

"Thanks, Dad. I love you, you know."

"I know, Clare. And believe me, the feeling is mutual. You're such a strong girl; I'm so proud of the woman you have become. Thank you for understanding your mother's and my decision."

And with that everything seemed to fall into place. My parents were getting a divorce, but I was completely okay with it because that didn't mean we had to stop being a family. Not to mention, they no longer expected perfection from me because I had finally stood up to them; I was taking control of my own life and happiness.

As I thought that, a need to call Sav welled up in my chest- intense and insistent. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have had the nerve to talk to my mom or my dad.

Sav…he was the only piece of the puzzle that no longer seemed to have a place to fit. What in the world was I going to do about him?

My dad stood up and stretched as I continued to run mental circles around myself. "You want to stay; hang out for a little while, Clare-bear?"

"Sounds delightful," I replied, still a little distracted.

My dad and I ended up playing cards, then watching a movie until my mom called to see when I was coming home. I kissed my dad goodbye and started to head out the door, but he insisted on driving me home because it was dark. It reminded me of when Sav and I had met at the Dot just a few days ago, and he had walked me home because it was dark.

'_You're not supposed to be thinking about it, remember_?' I mentally scolded myself. So far, though, that was proving to be easier said than done. You would think that I would just give in and call Sav, tell him this break wasn't working for me, but I had came up with this plan, and I would be damned if I didn't stick to it.

My dad dropped me off in front of the house, but didn't linger. I told my mom I was home, but made my way up to my room almost as soon as I was through the door. I had used up all my emotional stamina and I really needed some sleep. I had a feeling it would be coming easier than the night before.

I quickly hopped in the shower, and then slipped into my comfiest pajamas. Right as I was about to crawl into bed, I noticed the pile of clean, folded laundry on my desk. My mom had obviously taken the liberty of doing my laundry along with her own. I started to put it all away until I came to the last items in the pile- Sav's shirt and shorts.

I paused for a moment, wondering what I was supposed to do with them. I had completely forgotten I still had them; I thought I gave them back to Sav.

Almost without thinking, my fingers closed around the fabric and brought it to my face. I inhaled deeply, hoping our detergent had not washed out Sav's scent completely. It hadn't. I could still smell the mixture of coffee and vanilla; it had a strange calming effect. I slipped off the shirt I was wearing and replaced it with Sav's. I threw the shorts in my purse, vowing that I would give both articles of clothing back on Monday. But there was no reason I couldn't get one last use out of it before Monday came around.

XXX

My Sunday was extremely uneventful. I finished up some homework that I had been putting off, and then my mom and I had watched some TV after going for a walk in the park. I also talked to my dad for a few minutes. He thought it might be a good idea if I joined him at his therapy session next week. My mom agreed.

Sav called a few times, but I ignored each one. Every time I set the phone aside I became more confident that I was doing the best thing for both of us. Wearing Sav's shirt to bed was the last slip up; I was committing to this new found independent happiness.

The ironic thing was Sav had been the one to convince me that I needed to commit to myself; that my happiness should come first. And it wasn't that Sav didn't make me happy, we just weren't ready for each other. He wasn't done with Anya, and I needed to focus on my family. We weren't over; we just had to wait until we were both emotionally ready. I wasn't scared or anything that he would end up breaking my heart; yeah, that wasn't it at all.

I did try to call Alli a few times before remembering that she was grounded. I couldn't help but wonder what would happen Monday. She did say she wasn't going to be happy if she ended up caught in the middle of Sav and me…I would just have to wait to see how the day progressed.

When it finally became an acceptable time for me to go to bed I packed my bag for school, including Sav's clothes, showered, and crawled into bed. Sleep didn't come to me immediately, but it did come.

In the morning my alarm pierced through my dreamless sleep, and I didn't even hit the snooze button. I was feeling rested, relaxed, and ready to take on the day. All in all…I was feeling happy.

Mom wasn't awake yet, so I took my bike to school. When I got there Alli was waiting for me at the bottom of the front steps. I slung my arm around her should as soon as she was within my reach. "Good morning, my dear friend. Your grounding needs to stop soon; I wanted to call you this weekend, but I remembered that you're on lockdown."

"That I am; but let's not talk about me. You seem to be in a delightful mood this morning."

"What was your first clue?"

"Maybe it's the fact that you're smiling so big I'm afraid you're going to break your face in half. Normally, I would assume that your good mood had something to do with Sav and your date," Alli cringed, saying the word date like someone else would say 'feces', "but Sav was mopey all weekend. What gives?"

"We're on a little bit of a break; it's not a big deal. I'm sure you really don't want to talk about it…"

"Is it safe to assume, based on Sav's mood versus your mood, that you decided this break was necessary?"

"Seriously Alli, let's not talk about this. You don't want to be caught in the middle, remember? Sav and I will work things out eventually, but right now I have to deal with my parent's divorce and my family, and Sav still has some Anya drama to attend to."

Alli stepped in front of me, cutting me off. "Hold the phone! You're parents are getting divorced? I thought your dad's move-out was temporary…"

"It was…until it became better for everyone that it be permanent."

Alli pulled me into a hug, crushing her tiny frame against mine with as much force as she could possibly muster. "Are you…how are you taking things?"

"Alli, would I be in this great of a mood if I wasn't one hundred percent okay?"

I felt she scrutinize me as I walked up to my locker, and then all the way to class. When we were seated Alli finally said something, obviously confused with what she had found during her intense study of me.

"Why _are_ you so happy Clare? I mean, between your break with Sav and your parents making their divorce official you should be an emotional wreck right now. Did you…snap or something?"

"Wow, Alli, thanks. Your faith in me is heartwarming."

"I'm serious, Clare! You have me worried now."

"Okay, look," class started, so I had to talk in a whisper, "I realized this weekend that everyone really is better off with this break. My parents weren't happy together, but just because they aren't together anymore doesn't make them any less my parents. We're going to get through this, and we'll all be stronger because of it. Besides, I finally stood up to them, Alli. I told them that I wasn't perfect, and I couldn't handle everything for them anymore. As for me and Sav…well this isn't a permanent thing; as I have said several times already."

Alli stuck her tongue out at me, and was about to answer when the teacher cut us off. "Ladies, do you have something you'd like to share with the class?"

"No thanks," Alli and I replied in unison, earning a wave of giggles from the rest of the class.

I sighed, opening up my notebook so I could copy the notes.

A few minutes later a piece of notebook paper landed on my desk. I glared at Alli who was facing straight ahead smiling innocently. I rolled my eyes and unfolded the paper. "So you really told off your folks?" was written neatly on top in Alli's flowery handwriting.

"I really did," I quickly wrote back before passing back the paper when the teacher turned his back.

Alli let out an impressed, low whistle. Should I be insulted that she was so surprised?

The note never returned, so I paid attention for the rest of the period. As soon as the bell rang, though, Alli was talking again.

"How did they take the news?"

"Fine; can we drop this yet?"

Alli let out an exasperated sigh. "Sure, sure. It's just my life is boring right now; I need to live vicariously through you."

"Good luck with that," I said sarcastically. "I wouldn't exactly call my life exciting enough for you."

"You're right; it's not."

Just then I spotted Drew staring at Alli, and I nudged her with my elbow. "Excitement at twelve 'o' clock," I joked, discreetly pointing him out.

Alli took one look at him, and then back at me. "I'll see you at lunch, okay?"

"Have fun."

"I always do."

And with that Alli took off down the hallway. I was happy to see that Drew and she weren't suffering because of the whole getting busted debacle. If anything they seemed to be crazier about each other. It must have been one hell of a date up until getting caught.

I turned down the hallway with my next class and immediately spotted Sav casually leaning against the classroom door. My heart dropped right into my stomach, and I felt the blush rise to my cheeks. I had known I was going to have to talk to him anyway, I had his clothes in my bag still, but I was hoping that I would have until the end of the day to prepare.

Too late now; I soldiered on, walking right up to him.

"How was your weekend?" Sav asked as soon as I stopped in front of him, I could feel his eyes as they searched my face.

"Productive. Thanks for your text, by the way. Lunch with my mom went really well."

"I'm happy to hear that…" A long, awkward silence stretched between us. I finally looked up to meet Sav's gaze, and what I saw broke my heart. He looked miserable. And I was the cause of that look.

"How about your weekend?" I squeaked, cringing.

"It really doesn't matter; why didn't you pick up the phone when I called, Clare?"

I flinched at the hurt and anger just barely subdued in his voice. I sucked for putting him through this.

"I told you I needed space. Talking on the phone every night isn't really going to allow for that, is it?"

My sarcasm was weak, ineffective.

"No, I guess it's not. But is completely ignoring me going to do us any good?"

I ignored the validity of his question. Instead, I reached into my bag to pull out his shirt and shorts.

"I forgot to give these back to you."

"Is this really just a break, Clare, or are you going to disappear on me?"

"Just, please, take the clothes, Sav."

After staring at me for an immeasurable amount of time he snatched the clothes from my outstretched hand, and started to walk away from me down the hall.

Well, I handled that well…not.

XXX

The rest of the week I made a careful effort to avoid Sav completely, and to keep Alli's and my time together to a minimum. I was just so shook up from the encounter with Sav on Monday that I didn't think I could handle another run-in with him. And whenever Alli brought him up, which was, mysteriously, an ever increasing amount, I cringed. I could hardly think about him without crying, I didn't need to hear about him all the time, too.

I was sure that I had officially pushed Sav too far away, and I could never repair the damage I had done.

I really had started off just wanting a break, but now it was too late to put together the broken relationship. Sav was just a puzzle piece I was better off forgetting; there would never be a place for him to fit in my life again. I had done a great job of making sure of that.

He deserved better than me, anyway. Maybe now he and Anya could have another shot.

However, as unbearable as life was becoming at school, life at home just kept getting better. Mom, Dad, and I all went to a therapy session together, and my parents didn't yell at each other once. We all got a chance to talk about how the divorce was affecting us, and it was an eye-opening experience.

Mom let me spend the night at Dad's apartment on Wednesday, but aside from that Mom and I were having dinner together every night.

I was really starting to love this new dynamic if only because my parents were both unbelievably happy. Sure, they were both scared about having to adjust to the new life just like I was, but they were getting a chance to explore the lives they had always wanted.

By the time Friday rolled around my mom had a new job, and I was starting to settle into the new routine.

"I'll be here to pick you up around three, okay?" my mom asked as I slipped out of her car.

"Sounds like a plan," I smiled at her before closing the door.

Alli wasn't waiting for me on the stairs; she had caught on to the fact that I was distancing myself, and only talked to me when I came to her first. It was sad, but I knew it had to be done.

My first class went by in a blur of equations, formulas, and notes. By the time it was over I already wanted to go home. I took solace in the fact that I had English next, and we were reading one of my favorite books: Catcher in the Rye.

As I was walking down the hall toward Dawes' classroom I hear someone call my name loudly and excitedly.

"Clare; Clare, wait up!"

I turned to find Sav stumbling toward me, towering over the other students. My fight or flight instinct kicked in, freezing me in place. Why did he look so happy?

"Clare, I did it," Sav exclaimed, finally reaching me. He placed both of his hands on my shoulders and continued to smile hugely at me.

"Did…what?"

"I told my parents that I didn't want to be an engineer; that I was never going to be an engineer. I told them I wanted to be a musician. I told them about you, too. There will be no arranged marriage for me!"

"Wait; hold on a second…back up. What?"

"Alli and I talked last night. She told me everything you said to her; that you finally stood up to your parents. She said you had never meant for the break to be permanent, you were just caught up with your family drama. And that you thought I wasn't over Anya. But, Clare, I have never been more over Anya in my life. When I heard that you finally told your parents that you didn't want to be the responsible Saint Clare anymore I thought about everything we had said to each other last Friday night. You wanted us to be able to work out our problems together. I was skeptical at first, but when I heard that you went through with your end I wanted the picture you had painted so badly. So I did it…for you, Clare. For me, too, but it was because you gave me the courage. I've never felt like this about anyone before."

I let everything he was saying sink in around me, willing it to make sense. Several emotions swirled around my head: confusion, bafflement, disbelief, fear…then, finally, elation.

"You did it; you really told them?"

"I really did!"

"And how did they take it?"

"Well, as of right now they're not talking to me…and you probably won't be allowed to come over for a while. But none of that matters because we can be together now. That is…if you still want to."

For the first time the smile slipped off Sav's face and he looked unsure.

But he had told his parents everything that he had been hiding for years…because of me. He had never been able to do that for Anya, but he did it for me. Obviously he was over Anya, and I was an idiot.

"I should be the one asking you if _you_ still want to be with _me_. I screwed up big-time Sav, and I'm sorry; really, truly sorry. I would understand if…"

Sav cut me off by picking me up, swirling me around, and planting the biggest kiss on my lips…in front of everyone in the hallway. But I couldn't bring myself to care about the public display of affection- not with Sav's lips moving against mine in a way that was making my heart race right out of my chest.

After a few perfect moments he placed me back on the ground. "I have to get to class. I'll see you at lunch."

With an elated smile and a quick kiss to my forehead Sav ran off in the direction of his class. I turned to watch him go, unable to make my feet move just yet.

This was just…too good to be true. But it was true.

Just then, someone bumped into me from behind, causing my books to go flying, sprawling across the almost empty hallway. Great, I was going to be late for class. But I couldn't bring myself to be too upset about that, though, given my previous holdup.

I bent down gather my things, and the person who had hit me immediately reached out to help. "You know, hallways are generally made for walking."

His tone was sarcastic, and I quickly came up with a witty retort as I picked up my notebook. "You know, hallways generally work best when you watch where you're going."

I stood up to accept my other books from the boy. I realized I had never seen him around before, I would have remembered the deep forest green of his eyes- eyes that seemed to be swallowed up by pain. It was like those eyes were sucking me in, and there was quite obviously something broken from the inside out. It was almost unbearable to look at.

He spoke again, pulling my attention from his eyes to the rest of him.

"Touché," he said, giving off a cocky demeanor; a smirk was set on his full lips. He was obviously going through a lot of trouble to mask the hurt that was so painfully evident in his eyes. He was also dressed in black from head to toe, but it suited him well.

"Are you new here?" I asked stupidly as the bell rang, declaring me officially late.

"Why; do I look out of place to you? But, as long as you're asking, yes, I just transferred."

I nodded, a smile breaking out on my face again because he did look out of place. If I had to bet, though, there were very few places this kid _didn't_ look out of place.

"Clare Edwards," I said, officially introducing myself. I offered my hand, but he just stared at it like it was a foreign object, so I quickly retracted.

"Elijah Goldsworthy…but you can call me Eli."

"Well, Eli, I hope you find Degrassi pleasurable. It was nice meeting you."

"Is 'formalities' offered as a class here? Because I bet you're passing with flying colors."

"So, you think you're funny, huh?"

"Nah, I prefer to think of myself as witty." I rolled my eyes at him, but the truth was he was amusing. I think I liked this guy. He was refreshingly poised and had a decent sense of humor. It was clear he came with a back story, though…if his eyes were any indication. "Well, I guess I'll see you around, Clare Edwards."

I nodded, watching him walk away. The funny thing was he walked right up to Mrs. Dawes' room…he was in my English class? That was interesting.

I took a final sweep of the hallway to make sure I had gotten all my books. Just as I was about to make my way to class myself, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out to find a text from Sav: "P.S. - In case it wasn't clear before, I love you, Clare."

I smiled, pocketing my phone. I couldn't wait to tell him that I loved him, too.

And wasn't it such a funny thing-love? It behaves differently every time. Every person will experience several different kinds of love over the course of their life. Sometimes it will speak volumes like the pounding of a drum, or it could be soft and sweet like a violin. Other times it will be the support for everything else in your life, offering a constant stream of reassurance like a bass.

And then, if you're really lucky, you'll find a love that will cover all the different instruments; you'll find someone who has a rhythm of love that matches yours perfectly.

And you won't be able to stop yourself from singing along.


End file.
